Monday, November 07, 2005

Low point

I’ve known the highest highs, flown the highest flights. I know the lowest lows, the drudgery of waking up day after day. A heart so full of despair it overflows into the deepest depths of my soul.

It’s been so hard, I’m losing hope.

I keep waking up, and wondering…. what is there for me? What else do I hope for, dream of? Shattered remains. They suggest more drugs, more anterograde amnesia. More nothingness. Just a numbness that comes from being sedated. Just the emptiness that accompanies the hollowness in my chest.


Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
I cannot know "exactly" how you feel, but I have spent most of the last 5 years feeling severely depressed and over medicated on meds that were not helping me. My pdoc insists we will keep trying until we find medication that both helps me and does not have unacceptable side effects. Is it possible your olanzapine is making you feel so tired? I was taking 2.5mg of the stuff and could barely move the next day? Do you have a pdoc you can discuss this with? Know I am thinking about you and hope you feel better soon.

The Mass Defective said...

I'm beginning to feel there is no hope in meds. I know that none specifically treat borderline and it doesn't seem like they help much to treat the symptoms either. I do understand the losing hope. It's a neverending battle within our minds that weakens us every day. Please try and hang in there. I know I am, despite how difficult it is.

sansanity said...

yes, i'd agree that hope is hard to come by these days.

Geisha_Girl said...

Right now I wish I was feeling numb. Better than feeling rage, or so it seems.

But it looks as though you're handling things going by your subsequent post, Polar (ie listening to music).

The only drugs I've ever had for BPD are antidepressants I had to request to have and now I'm without those and just self medicating on over the counter pain killers. But it like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

With or without drugs, it's like there's a cycle of feeling capable and feeling overwhelmed (or just plain burnt out).

Take care.

James said...

I hate that grey neutral numbness. I too wonder...Why do I get up everyday only to go to sleep and get up again and again...

Well, hang in there.