Friday, December 23, 2005

Day One of my "Holiday"

What a BPD day. It started well enough. I got up early, relishing the thought of not having to get myself to work. After all, today is a bonus day. I’m paid to do nothing!

Went to see my case manager and we went across the street for coffee. It was nice. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her outside the clinic or my house. I felt relaxed. It was going to be a good day!

I was going to head into town to pick up some art supplies. I told V I’d spend some time working on something. And as V and my case manager had suggested, I dropped by C’s to see if I could hang out with them over the break. I should have guessed they would have already made plans. And this year their plans didn’t include me. I’ve been dealt a few blows, this one was hard.

I guess when you try hard to be independent, you tend to get excluded. That’s when my world caved in on me. I could have gone home, and I would have drugged myself into oblivion. That’s what I really wanted to do. But I went into town anyway. I walked down the street and watched the frenzy around me. People everywhere. Shopping. Buying like there’s no tomorrow. Talking. Laughing. Making plans. Families. Friends. A swirling mass of living, breathing people. And I was dead. Inside. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide. But I stood there, in the middle of that living, breathing mass of bodies all around me. And I was Separate. Different. Sad, like I haven't been sad in a long time.

I drove over to my ex colleague’s K. My running buddy – except I haven’t gone for many runs with her. She’s so fit, I’m deathly afraid of going running with her, and that’s the honest to god truth. But she’s been a friend for a while now, in the background of my life. We’ve motivated each other to do triathlons together. And she wasn’t home.

So I drove around aimlessly, texting her. I’m frantic because that sinking, raging feeling of abandonment was starting to suck me in. I ended up at the theatre, buying a ticket to Harry Potter The Goblet of Fire. The seats were so uncomfortable my back hurt the entire time. And it was a long movie. I’m almost in tears when it is finally over. I drive over to K’s again. And thankfully, she was home. We sat and talked over green tea. I calmed down. She invited me over for Christmas day. I said I don’t celebrate Christmas, but they are having a low key day. Nothing traditional. Just K and her kids, and a Japanese student. They’re making sushi for lunch. Sushi? I never turn down sushi. So I have a plan for Sunday. I won’t be alone. I’m expected somewhere. I feel better.

Tonight, it is lonely again. I know people are going away. Even K is leaving on Wednesday. But that’s alright. Families do that. When you’re independent, you should expect to be alone…


Anonymous said...

I'd invite you over,but your so far away..Merry Christmas Bear..I'm here...Angel.

Suzanne said...

That sounds a strange day - I understand of course the frantic fear when someone isn't replying to your messages.

Hmmmn, sushi for lunch! I thought I'd stick to cocktails and Ben & Jerrys! ;-)

The Mass Defective said...

You probably didn't notice, but I'm sure there were others standing in the middle of the mass of people alone, feeling different and sad too.

I think you did good forcing yourself to stay out, sounds like that was very difficult for you to do.

I wouldn't pass up sushi either! Nor would I pass up the chance to spend the holiday with someone instead of alone. I hope all goes well with that. Hope you have an enjoyable time.

Take care,

James said...

Glad you have somewhere to go for xmas day..even though you don't celebrate it (neither do I by the way).

The feeling of being dead and alone in the middle of thriving masses is one of the worst sensations for me with my illness.


Hang in there friend.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear, I hope your Xmas having sushi is a good one. I also commend you for continuing on to go shopping and keep going despite your feelings. I think that's very brave. I hate that feeling of aloneness when you feel like no one knows you, cares about you nor wants to be with you. You are loved. Your welcome at my place every Christmas!! Keep blogging this Xmas as I hope to stay in touch with you over the holidays. You've been through some rough stuff, I hope you can do some stuff like art work that you really enjoy. Maybe start some new traditions for yourself. And I hope you pamper yourself this holiday season. I say - Be abundantly good to yourself this holiday and do stuff you like to do...treat yourself!

marie said...

I am tired of doing this "independant" thing. I am tired of being a loner. I too force myself to try and stay out. After years of isolation going out is a scary concept.

Hope you had a nice holiday. Mine was good. Check out the blog for more info.

I was windering if can likn my blog to yours? Take care.