Monday, December 19, 2005


V and I got into a debate about keeping the stash. Like an alcoholic should never have alcohol in the house, someone like me should never keep pills within my arms’ reach. It’s very simple – the concept is simple. If it’s not there, and it is harder to get to, then I probably will not reach for it quite as quickly. I argued that if the pills are not in the house, the likelihood of me engaging in more lethal acts are higher. Look at what happened the last time – I jumped off a goddamn building because I didn’t have a stash in my house and I couldn’t just block out the pain at that time. If there is enough pressure, it will burst no matter how much precaution you take. It’s only a matter of HOW.

At the end of the day, I realise I am not cooperating enough to work towards our treatment goal. Even though I still firmly believe that I cannot not have my stash. It’s a choice. I realise that.

I’m left confused and upset. Mostly with myself. As I say, it is a choice. Not anyone else’s choice, but mine and mine alone. We’ve reached an impasse.

At the end of the session, V reassured me that she wasn’t angry or mad at me. Even though she didn’t agree with what I had done, it didn’t mean that she was mad at me. That brought me some comfort.

Still, it was a hard session. And with one more session left to go before the holiday break and the end of the year, I wonder if the next will be even harder. And even if I anticipate that it will be, I know I will go back for more.


The Mass Defective said...

Impasse is right, but I do understand why you horde the pills. I'm lucky in that I do live with someone else so I keep the majority of my pills upstairs where they can check to make sure I'm not taking more than I should and if I want to get to all the pills, I have to walk past someone that will question me what I'm doing.

I agree that the pressure will need to be released one way or another, but hopefully over time the pressure won't build so high that you have to resort to such measures. Or you will be able to reach out for help before you even take matters into your own hands.

Therapy is tough, and we have tough choices to make regarding it. V sounds like a good therapist and despite how hard it may be to see her, I think you should keep going back for more. I think she is good for you.

Please take care Polar!

Geisha_Girl said...


Since my fist and only serious overdose, when the pressure got too much for me I'd ring Lifeline and just hearing a human voice would take the edge off the pressure for me.

I don't keep anything handy although I've thought about doing that so if it does get too much I can take the "easy" way out.

What's kept me from taking a gruesome way out is probably some self-preservation factor even amid what felt like intolerable pressure to DO IT.

And there is a side to me where I feel I ought not leave a "mess". As ridiculous as it sounds, I'd like not to do something like that in desperation and, if I must, to do it with my affairs sorted out and with an absolutely clear head.

I'd promised the doctor that I wouldn't check-out while in treatment, but I said that because that's what he wanted to hear and because that's what I'd LIKE to have given in exchange for help. But deep down I find it hard to let go of the sense that if I feel I must, I will. Maybe it's this mindset that needs to change.

By going to therapy I think you're leaps and bounds ahead of me -- I'm not even doing that right now.

Polar, you have a lot going for you. However hard it gets, remember that.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

I hope you won't need the pills or use any other measure of harm to yourself when the pressure is on. All the methods of self-harm are not beneficial in the long run. To take the strong emotions away, I hope that the wisemind and other skills you've learned will come in handy. Those will be your life line.
From someone who doesn't want to see you harmed. From someone who cares about you. From someone who has been there and knows it's not worth it. In acceptance & love,

disso_k said...

I need my stash too. In a way, it's comforting to know that it is there. At one stage my hubby hid my pills and I just about went crazy.

It's good to see that despite the hard therapy sessions, you are committed to continuing them next year.

I like the new look, by the way. said...

i just had a difficult therapy session as well. i didn't want to turn in my razor blades, but my therapist said she needed reassurance and i didn't want her to call 911 and put me in the hospital. she asked me to go home and get all the razor blades and return to her office. i cried in my car all the way home, because i didn't want to give them up.

sansanity said...

the truth is you can give your stash away, people can give their therapist their blades but more can be amassed. it comes down to i think peple wanting to gauge your willingness to survive when the pressure is not on. if there is still some willingness in that moment, i think they think if they can harvest that then you might survive.

PB, i so understand what you mean about ramping up the danger level in attempts. even my fantasies of death have become more violent and dangerous. it bothers me that i resort to those thoughts. and in a break--well i ahve found myself steering the car towards a pole or such.

i wonder if giving up our "security blankets" is the way to go. on the one hand, for me, giving it up is the same as admittting how bad things have become and how out of control i feel and in the end that release is cathartic and kind of empowering.

i ahve no answers, just ramblings... sorry.

p.s.-i like the new look too!

The Mass Defective said...

Looks like you know how to adjust your template too. It's looking good. It's nice to have a change, but are you like me & the changes you make will never be good enough?? lol I keep trying to not tweak mine, but I've done a lil something to it ever since I said I was going to stop.

Marie said...

i know how important it is to be in control of my own meds--at the same time how dangerous it is--when things were extremely awful i put them in a locked box--the only point being that it would take more time for me to find the key and get to them--in theory it cuts back on the spur of the moment factor

sadly, the truth is if we/I get to the point of no return it will not matter if the pills are easily excessible--there is no way i can possibly get rid of every way I could harm myself--i have to try my best to use every skill i learned and i have to trust that i will--i don't have any other options

scary? hell yeah--you just have to try--use your skills--your therapist--friends--meds--anything and everything in order to make it through another episode

know that while some say every episode is worse than the one before--i think and have found that everytime i make it through, i prove to myself that i am learning how--then the next time it is easier to pull that resource up to help--less of a struggle/less of an effort--leaving me with more strength to fight the demons at hand

i am sorry--i got a bit winded and i apologize for butting my nose in where it probably doesn't belong--just keep trying


Polar Bear said...

I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to comment on this post. It was a difficult post for me, to admit and confess what happened in therapy with V last week.

I appreciate your feedback and suggestions. I agree that it will always be a battle for us to fight that self destructive urge. It seems as though some of you have little strategies, like locking it away, having someone else keep the pills for you....

It gives me to hope to know that no matter how hard things are, you are all trying in your own ways, and if you can do this and if you can try your best to beat this, then I jolly well better try too.

Thank you so much.

Polar Bear