Thursday, December 15, 2005

Self sabotage

A couple weekends ago, I got naughty and went to access some sleeping aids and some ativan. I’ve been saving them like they are precious gold. Last night I took a couple and had trouble waking up this morning. Went to work anyway and drank about 3 cups of coffee before I began to feel half awake.

I don’t know why I do these things. I’d go out and get more if I could. Plotting and scheming. I just keep wanting more. Drug seeking behaviour, it seems. I don’t want V to know about this and yet if I don’t talk about it, what good will it do me?


Anonymous said...

Everyone needs someone to talk too.Don't ever feel bad about expressing your thoughts.It's just so frustrating that we trust people to talk about our every day lives and problems(etc.)too,Then they seem so understanding and "act" like their such a friend,Then you find out they make a situation out worse than it is by "gossiping" behind your back.True family and friends are there for you with unconditional love...I don't know who your "V'is,but I hope that person is there for you.

sansanity said...

i keep a stash of trazadone despite the fact that they are expired. it is the idea that i have an out--it's like a security blanket.

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The Mass Defective said...

Talk to V about it Polar. I miss my stash, but for all the borderline rage I have about it being gone, I feel safer knowing that option is not there. Well, it kind of is, but that's another story.

Please talk to V. Tell her you horde the pills. Bring them into her and say you need help in dealing with how not to need this as a backup plan. I'm still struggling with it and probably always will, but being open and honest about it with V will help you work thru the need to keep them.

Please take care,

Geisha_Girl said...

I got the impression that you were keeping a stash for emergencies (eg to wind down) rather than for a lethal dose.

I can relate to the need for emergency wind-down or sleep stash, if that's what it was.

I rationalise to myself that there's no point keeping a lethal stash of anything seeing I've resolved to keep plugging ahead. I don't know if that's any help to you, but it helps me to see things that way and not to have anything of the check-out kind handy in times of crisis ... so that checking out becomes a harder (and less likely impulsive) proposition.

Take care, Polar.


James said...

We mental cases usually have a very high risk of addictions. I have been able to do better about it but I do still take extra meds now and then. Sometimes it feels sooo hard to control ones body when ones brain is running in chaos.