Wednesday, December 28, 2005


I'm trying to do water colour paintings, but there is a certain thickness to my style that makes it not water colour. I've tried to do some actual water colour stuff, but they end up sucking. I also prefer more vivid colours rather than the watery type of painting.

So Christmas came and went. All the anticipation and build up, and it was just one lousy day. Over, in the blink of an eye. It's a good thing I don't celebrate it anymore. It's just another day. Still, it surprised me how quickly it went by.

In a week, I'll be back at work. While I will welcome the routine and structure back in my life, I'm also beginning to think that maybe I could get used to this not-working thing. I'm tired, and jaded, I think. I was so afraid to be alone, and now that I have spent several days on my own, I'm beginning to welcome the isolation and the disconnectedness from the world.

There's been no phone calls. Hardly any emails. I'm in my own world. It's terrifying. And seductive.

I could fall for it.


Rosemarie said...

"I'm in my own world. It's terrifying. And seductive."

being lonely and alone--some don't understand there is a difference--lonely is terrifying--alone seductive--both can occur on their own--you can be lonely in a room of people--you can be alone with out lonliness taking over--when they occur together is when it becomes dangerous--especially if you have bpd (me too)

sorry for being long winded but my point is be careful--watch yourself--do what you know helps--just try to remain safe.


marie said...

I have been in my own little world for the better part of 37 years. I have no desire to deal with reality. I too am very lonely. When the loniless is in control I binge eat to make it go away; it never does and so the cycle continues.

butterflies said...

Hi Polar,
I love those paintings and wish I could be as creative as you are.Ive always envied pple who can paint or draw..its expressing your thoughts and making a sweet pic:)
I remember a xmas break many years ago when no-one visited,I had no car,the ph didnt ring and I was alone.Oh I had my son as a baby but I recall an emptiness deep within me.Each year is different from the one before and none of us knows what will happen next.Isnt that the beauty and wonderment of life??
Death is final and life goes on..hopefully onto something better each day.Hold on sweet friend,Im checking on you every day:)

Geisha_Girl said...

That's an interesting design Polar -- like the colours.

Being alone IS seductive. After a spell in my own world I find it hard to push myself to deal with ppl.

James said...

I am addicted to being alone. It is when I can bathe in the pool of peace and quiet (mostly).

I like you painting. You have great talent. This is a great inspiration to get back to my painting. Keep up the good work!

James said...

By the way, I like the new template.

disso_k said...

Another gorgeous painting, Polar!

Ahhh, the isolation and disconnectedness! I'm feeling it now that I am not working again. I'm surprised at how quickly it returned. I don't want to be around anyone really. It is so easy to fall for.

The Mass Defective said...

This one is even better than the last. I never knew you had such a talent for painting. Keep it up and keep posting others that you have done.

Take care,

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Polar Bear.....Angel.

Aditi M. said...

Heyy! I enjoyed reading your previous blog. You have NO IDEA how often i have felt the same way! Anyways, just wanted to wish you a very happy new year! Its going to be a great year!! :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Polar !!

Happy New Year! Do you remember me, Xxan, from Belgium?

I was long gone, because I spent 6 weeks in hospital because of a bad mania.

Now that the mania is over, the depression came to visit me :-( I do hope it does not intend to stay long!! Moreover I have no spare room for it (stupid joke)

And so there is always something...

Sorry if I have been nagging.

I really do wish you ALL YOU WISH FOR for 2006 !!

Be good,

Vixen said...

Hope you're keeping well, Polar. Just wanted to say I love the painting and that you should hang in there.