Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Living half

Another 10 hour night. Falling asleep even before the light outside dims to dusk. Another struggle to fight off demons when the alarm goes off. Crawling out of bed, force feeding myself oatmeal, downing 2 cups of strong black coffee. Looking at my unmade bed, with Polar in it, wishing I could lie there as he does day after day and night after night, doing a kind of work far more important than mine could ever be - guarding a troubled soul especially at nights…..and keeping it safe…..

It is summer, and if today is anything like yesterday I know it will be scorching hot by lunch time. So I dress myself in a knee length skirt and a very light short sleeved shirt. Yet the morning air has a very nasty bite in the air. It could well be winter again for all I know. I curse myself for not bringing a jacket with me at least. I sit at work all morning chilled to the bone. 2 cups of hot water does nothing to warm me up. When the cold locks in, it stays for a long time. It is almost like the recent depression that has been hovering and finally settling deep inside my soul. I’ve ignored it long enough, and so it is slowly making itself known to me. There is only so far I can pretend….

I’m sliding, I think. Towards suicide? Towards self destruction? No, I don’t think so. But I am sliding and this is all I know. As if I’m not allowed any more information. Some part of my brain is doing all the work, and the part I am privy to, is not telling me anything. This frightens me sometimes. Other times I’m relieved, as if I know it is better not to know too much. Better to just get through the mundane everyday activity and pretend that I don’t know what’s looming. I feel like I’m standing on a railway track with headphones on. The music is good, I’m rocking to it. I know I’m in a dangerous spot, but my brain is telling me the train’s not due for a while. So it’s really nothing to worry about…..


James said...

I know that feeling of sliding into a depression slowly but surely too well. It's like before you know it you are fully engulfed in a shit storm.

I hope that you can just tune it out with your music and maintain some distance from it.

butterflies said...

It HAS been really cold in the mornings this week! And late at night too.Then turns into a stinking hot 30 degree day...
I wonder if youve tried Citalopram for depression..James is having great success with it.He says it makes him chill out and not feel emotions so acutely..just wondering..

broke said...

You write very powerfully and lucidly about your experience. And I really wish you well in your life. I tuned in to your blog while I was feeling low, and somehow reading what you wrote helped me. I suppose it's a solidarity thing - remembering that I'm not alone. Scary as it is, I love the train track/headphone metaphor. I think I know what you mean too. As i think of it now, the metaphor helps me to make some sense of where I am at - thank you.