Thursday, January 26, 2006

Locked down

It’s a small stark room. It is empty, except for a thin vinyl mattress on the floor. There is a small rectangle glass reinforced by criss-crossed wire on the door. I am throwing myself repeatedly at the door as the shadows dance all around me.

Then, they come for me….
“Sit down on the mattress NOW….” A voice commands from the other side of the door.
They are on the other side of the door. I refuse to listen. The shadows,… I am trying to explain to the people on the other side of the door… Help me, I am pleading…

Eventually they push the door open and five of them immediately surround me. In 3 counts, they have me face down on the floor, arms crossed above my head and my heels tucked up against my butt so I can no longer kick or squirm. Someone pushes my pants down and I feel the sharp sting of a needle. I am confused….no, no, no,…. but no matter how hard I try, I cannot move. Please,…I’m saying…..Help me. They count again, one, two, three, and before I realise what is happening, they have released me, and the door shuts once more… leaving me alone in that room…with the shadows.
I’m crying, begging, pleading…but no one hears me, no one comes to comfort me. The shadows are crawling all around me and the creatures I have been battling are getting closer and closer. I’m crying, begging, pleading, and no one comes to help me…. The shadows are here, and they will rip me apart in this stark empty room and no one will care….

I’m crying so hard that I cannot breathe,… The shadows grow in depth and size until I can see its jaws open wide, its teeth as sharp as its claws… reaching out to me. I scream one more time….

I’m awake. Tears are drying on my face. I blink in the darkness. Turn on the light. Take a deep shuddering breath. Bury my face in my pillow and cry…..again.


Nicola said...'ll get through this. let someone come and sit with you in the shadows if you can. anyone you trust. and quickly.

James said...

Wow, that is a very, very scary dream. I'm sure it is still kind of with you through out the day.

I hope that you can feel that I am here to help you in anyway that I can. We are here for you.

It's sooo frustrating when we mentally ill have a bad dream because we deal with this shit enough during the day. You'd think we could get a break in our sleep but that doesn't happen all too often. At least in my experience.

Anyway, I love you and care about you. May you find liberation from this suffering.

Saima said...

Love and hugs for you from Finland!