Sleeping way too much. Even a 12 hour night is not enough. If I didn’t have to wake up and go to work, I’d probably stay in bed all day.
Sleeping, for me, is an escape from myself. The only real escape I know short of over medicating myself. Sometimes I need a little help from some drug… but sometimes the Seroquel I need to take is enough.
I guess you could say the self hatred is mounting. I notice that the more I hate myself, the more time I spend sleeping. Sleeping is like being away from myself, from my thoughts, from me. It is shutting “me” inside a thick black box and forgetting the failures, the pain, the struggles for a while.
Sleeping is the step you take before you look at death – which is a permanent sleep state. Getting away from yourself permanently. Whereas waking up is a return to the self. Which is what I do every morning. For now, anyway.