Monday, January 16, 2006

Sleep, the sound of silence

Sleeping way too much. Even a 12 hour night is not enough. If I didn’t have to wake up and go to work, I’d probably stay in bed all day.

Sleeping, for me, is an escape from myself. The only real escape I know short of over medicating myself. Sometimes I need a little help from some drug… but sometimes the Seroquel I need to take is enough.

I guess you could say the self hatred is mounting. I notice that the more I hate myself, the more time I spend sleeping. Sleeping is like being away from myself, from my thoughts, from me. It is shutting “me” inside a thick black box and forgetting the failures, the pain, the struggles for a while.

Sleeping is the step you take before you look at death – which is a permanent sleep state. Getting away from yourself permanently. Whereas waking up is a return to the self. Which is what I do every morning. For now, anyway.

4 comments:

Geisha_Girl said...

I hide sleeping, too.

And I'm probably just as harsh on myself. Guess it comes to hanging onto it all and then turning it over or allowing it to take over.

Just last night I was thinking my brain is like some "I'm bad", "It's bad", "I can't" broken record that either slides down that track or stops on some incident or other that I turn over dementedly and anxiously to the exclusion of all else.

If your mind runs that way also, that in itself is tiring. And you've got a full day's work on top of that. And mabye a constant anxiety droning in the background. So all of it's taxing and maybe because you're taxed things feel worse than they are.

Do what you can for now and maybe down the track some of the DBT skills might kick in.

Cinthia said...

Sleeping kills time and makes the days go faster. I love to wake up on the weekends to find that it's already noon. Later I go back to sleep and I love to find that the day has just come to an end and it will soon be time to go to bed again. If I could sleep my life away, I would.

Suzanne said...

I am totally with you on the sleeping. When I get "restless" with myself I try and sleep and looking back before I was borderline when I felt bad I would take a few painkillers and go to bed... it's definitely an escape plan for me. At the moment I'm sleeping about 9-10 hours a night which although is not ideal could be worse.

Polar Bear said...

Ms_Jane.... yeah, my mind goes round like that... It certainly is demented. And I'm sick of it. Sleeping is turning it off.

Cinthia
yeah, it's all about sleeping time away. If I over medicated myself, I could sleep a couple of days away....

Suzanne,
I'm sleeping around 10 hours a night too. I think it's too much. But as you say, it could always be worse, I guess....

Polar Bear