Friday, February 17, 2006

Rage

Another day, another dollar. Another day closer to the weekend. I’ve recovered somewhat from jet lag/body clock screw up and from the disorienting feeling one gets when too much time has been spent travelling to strange new places and meeting new strange people. I’ve had it. I want to go home and hide from the world in a small dark corner for a few days.

Since my return, I’ve gone to group. It didn’t turn out well at all. I was so triggered at one point that I made the decision to leave during break. I simply snuck out, and truth be told, no one really noticed. Should I be surprised? No, not really. It’s like being back in school again, really. I was always the quiet one, the one nobody noticed or cared about. Well, I’m an adult now, and I don’t need to put myself through this crap again.

I told V about this, of course, yesterday. I was not surprised the group leaders hadn’t told her about it. We talked about it – and V still seems to think that group is good for me and that I should go back. There’s no gain if there is no pain, apparently. Well, fuck pain. I don’t need unnecessary pain. I don’t need more pain. I’ve got enough as it is.

What I didn’t tell V was that I went home after group and broke my phone in a fit of rage. It was really left over anger from group. That was all so unnecessary.

Still, I promised V I’d think about it. (About returning to group)

9 comments:

The Mass Defective said...

Sounds like we're just about in the same place...rage & pain. Hope you get thru it faster than I seem to be. Take care of you!
Hugs,
Sid

Ophelia said...

Hugs from me, too. Doesn't sound a good group to me if nobody notices you're leaving. You deserve something better.

Anonymous said...

Hidden pain,Hidden rage...Not good. Then to know that no one notices or cares makes it worse.

borderline savvy said...

I'm so sad that you were triggered in at least a couple of different ways--the original trigger, then the trigger of the group indifference. Gently, gently, I think you should tell V about the phone and your rage. If she doesn't know what is going on with you, she can't help you. Big hugs from me too. Gmail if you want to. I'll be checking...

disso_k said...

Ditto to what Ophelia said. It sounds like the group facilitators need a good swift kick back to reality.

I understand your rage. In the past, I've arrived home only to beat the crap out of the walls and such.

borderline savvy said...

Tell everyone you know that borderlinesavvy.blogspot.com is back online. Thanks

butterflies said...

Ahh...dont worry about it sweetie!
Its just a damn phone!
Anger is normal too remember...
Buy yourself a new ph;)

ECLIPSE said...

Polar,

I'm sorry that the group situation upset you and I can see how you would wish to withdraw.

If you can get past whatever has triggered you, it might be worthwhile to persevere with the group therapy so that you eliminate questions in future -- ie "What if I hadn't dropped out of group?"

As I'm yet to do any group work or get any further with the DBT, the question remains for me: what if I'd pushed through some of the skills training?

The above is a bit garbled, but I hope you get what I'm saying.

Marie said...

group can be a double edged sword--great because those around you are or have experienced similiar issues--i don't feel so 'crazy' when i do work up the nerve to speak because they can understand
not so great because at times it makes us face things we don't want to acknowledge and being in a group situation it is easier to blend into the wall or simply walk away


playing devil's advocate--what do you think would have happened if you had stayed and tried to discuss what it was that was triggering such pain and rage

i know,easier said than done but maybe you would have had a more positive ending

lastly, if you do feel that uncomfortable with this group, it may be time to find another--i went through two before i found a good fit for me--not that it is easy to discuss my demons but feeling more comfortable i am more likely than not to discuss them

take care of yourself--my thoughts are with you