Friday, February 24, 2006

Reconfirmation

Went to see V yesterday. I told V I went to group this week only because I haven’t yet decided to quit. It’s like I’m putting my foot on the door, not quite willing to step in, and not quite willing to step out. I feel so afraid… of so many things going wrong, about being inadequate, about coming out of this with nothing… I also said that I wanted to know more about what V thought about group (I know she wants me to continue…). Then, she asked me a question I so rarely hear… She asked me “What about what YOU think?”

We talked about the pros and cons of going. I came up with all the Cons, and V came up with all the Pros. And in some ways, I guess I’ve decided that I must commit to this… that I cannot leave my foot holding the door open to escape. It’s going to be hard when I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding anything that even hints at being unpleasant, anything that so much as stirs up a tiny shred of emotion. I’ve spent so much energy shutting down, trying not to feel, avoiding emotions, as if I could protect myself from this hostile, dangerous world. To what end? A human being so devoid of feelings that she barely recognises herself in the mirror. An emptiness inside that is so fathomless that little light ever shines through.

Do I want to continue to live this way?

No. No, I don’t.

Besides, what do I have to lose, really?

7 comments:

Ophelia said...

I came to exactly the same conclusion quite recently.

ECLIPSE said...

I tend to avoid situations and people that bring on a sense of insecurity, discomfort, inferiority or whatever else I find unpleasant and, I think, because I avoid people as much as I can, I tend to feel uneasy around ppl.

butterflies said...

Youre right Polar.You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
As you know,not all emotions are negative and one of these days when you look in that mirror,standing before you will be a strong,intelligent,gutsy woman,who you both like and enjoy.The very person that has always been there,yet you didnt recognise:)

Joel said...

What I say to myself before I walk into a room is "Everyone in that room is mentally ill and when I go in, that is not going to change."

It humbles and soothes me.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

That's so awesome that you even have a group to go to. I think that's great. I'm glad that you have such a resolve to go and to let light in. I hope that V and group can be part of that healing process.

Hey, Sukoku rocks!! It is addictive and fun!! Al bought me the New York Times puzzle books and they're so fun. I just saw in Toys R Us, Sudoku games that you can play with others!! So fun!

I miss you!

borderline savvy said...

You're very brave for going to the group, and I am so proud of you. The techniques of DBT are so helpful. I went through a crisis last night and got out my DBT notebook and used some of the techniques to soothe myself. They really work. And this module that you are going through is an especially important one. I'm very glad that you will continue to go and give this gift to yourself. Hugs.

The Mass Defective said...

As my therapist told me today, you can't keep second guessing yourself, you just have to do it. A part of us doesn't want to live with the misery, but then there's the part that can't imagine life without it.

I hope you'll stick with it, just as I am. It's not going to be easy, but every little step is supposed to help.
Take care of you!
Hugs,
Sid