Went to see V yesterday. I told V I went to group this week only because I haven’t yet decided to quit. It’s like I’m putting my foot on the door, not quite willing to step in, and not quite willing to step out. I feel so afraid… of so many things going wrong, about being inadequate, about coming out of this with nothing… I also said that I wanted to know more about what V thought about group (I know she wants me to continue…). Then, she asked me a question I so rarely hear… She asked me “What about what YOU think?”
We talked about the pros and cons of going. I came up with all the Cons, and V came up with all the Pros. And in some ways, I guess I’ve decided that I must commit to this… that I cannot leave my foot holding the door open to escape. It’s going to be hard when I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding anything that even hints at being unpleasant, anything that so much as stirs up a tiny shred of emotion. I’ve spent so much energy shutting down, trying not to feel, avoiding emotions, as if I could protect myself from this hostile, dangerous world. To what end? A human being so devoid of feelings that she barely recognises herself in the mirror. An emptiness inside that is so fathomless that little light ever shines through.
Do I want to continue to live this way?
No. No, I don’t.
Besides, what do I have to lose, really?