Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Most people would say that autumn is a beautiful time of year. And would they be right? The leaves are turning golden brown and yellow and hues of orange. They scatter on the streets, wind blown and they float down from above, like colourful butterflies everywhere. Softly, ever so gently, they descend on a world too busy to notice them. I think there was a time when I thought it was beautiful,…. surely. I think there was a time when I could feel the joy of running through the cackling leaves beneath my feet, when I could feel the soft caress of the wind against my cheeks and I yearned to feel the power of the changing seasons. Surely, there were such times? How else would I remember?

But the days grow darker now. I find myself watching as the colours fade and life forces wilt. And the smell of death and decay permeates the skin of every being. Time destroys everything. The leaves, the trees, the beauty that once was. The browning of a golden age, the death of a season. People, the way they too eventually break down and die.

It has grown so dark and so cold. Reaching for warmth, my fingers are forever frozen, as if the lifeblood within me fails to reach my extremities from a heart beat too weak to push beyond what it needs to do. Just to keep on living….Just to keep on living, it requires so much effort. Too much effort.

I’m nothing now, but a shell. I’m nothing now, but an empty being, all out of stuffing.


Dear Jane said...

true, time does destroy everything. but it is also time that renews everything as well.

Life is always cyclical. We will rise back up just as far as we have fallen, so long as we can hold on until that happens.

Perhaps you just need to hibernate a bit?

The Mass Defective said...

I think you should become an author, your writing draws the reader in so well. I agree with Jane wrote, that life is cyclical, that's a good way to look at things. Hope you begin to see some light soon.

borderline savvy said...

Oh, Polar Bear. You are going through a dark time and I have not been around for you. I check and see if you are online, but you never are. Reach out and grab my hand. Don't walk alone. Let's do it together.

A great big bear hug to you.

Ophelia said...

I love your writings, too. If you wrote a book I'd be one of the first readers.

We have spring. Snow smelting and migratory birds arriving. Hope. Spring arouses hope.

butterflies said...

It IS getting dark and cold here Polar! Daylight saving seemed to happen too early this year and with autumn arriving the nights have sure gotten chilly...I see youve been having really cold weather down your way!
I see the leaves falling and I like it..soon we will see the bare bones and the solidness of the trees..their strong trunks that hold them up no matter what the conditions are.

Dear Jane said...

just wanted to check in...hope all is well down under.

Yuki said...

You've really described your emotions well in this blog. Have you ever thought of publishing a book or some of your poetry?

I find the changing of the season into winter morbid, too. It must be getting cold.

Thinking of you! ((((Polar Bear))))

sansanity said...

PB i'm sorry you are feeling so empty right now. i hate that emptiness. i try to fill it with activity or calories. i don't suggest the latter...

James said...

Thank-you for keeping up with your blog. It is a way to stay in touch with with those who care deeply about you. A way to deal with feelings of dispear (not sure if I spelled that right).

I hope that you will find something warm in the cold. Perhaps in a good book? I can suggest a few if you want a spiritual uplift.