Friday, April 21, 2006

Illusions

It's only the night again, the welcomed darkness, the place that embraced me such a long time ago. I can't remember when exactly, but I'll probably never know for sure. I used to ask so many questions when I was younger.... so much younger then, but my words are still now, sucked into a vacuum somehow along the way, never for me to recognise them again.

It's only a place you'll never know, but you listened anyway to my clumsy efforts at describing it. Did you notice I sounded brave and didn't shed a tear? Did you notice the tremour in my voice when I reached my breaking point and then turned around so fast, that what you really saw was a smile on my face, as if I was making it all seem a joke? I have become such a master at making my own emotions appear trivial, something no one would ever take seriously. Perhaps I have fallen prey to my own deceit. Victim of my own delusions.

What do you know of me if so much of "me" has been hidden and locked away in the deepest recesses of my mind? What do you make of the blundering words I weave in an effort to create this smokescreen?

Who would care, I keep wanting to scream? Who would care? Would you? WOULD YOU? Or do you go back to your family at night and close the door and leave this orphaned girl alone with the creatures of the dark?

6 comments:

Yuki said...

I just want you to know that the Lord Jesus loves you, as you are - both the real you and the smokescreen you that you pretend to put up. It doesn't fool Him and He sees the real you and he simply adores you. Don't give up. There's still hope. You can find you once again even if you don't know who that is. It's an exciting adventure, like exploring caves, to discover, carve out and find the real you. You are beginning a journey and a new chapter in your life and you will succeed. I have no doubt. Still with you, Your friend,

butterflies said...

I care and would be one of those that would drag you in and feed you:)

Dear Jane said...

I am the Queen of hiding the Real Me. It is a defense strategy. We just have to learn that we don't have to hide ourselves from EVERYBODY. I was reminded of this poem. Hope you are well.

Poem for Everyone

I will present you
parts
of
my
self
slowly
if you are patient and tender.
I will open drawers
that mostly stay closed
and bring out places and people and things
sounds and smells,
loves and frustrations,
hopes and sadnesses,
bits and pieces of three decades of life
that have been grabbed off
in chunks
and found lying in my hands.
they have eaten
their way into my memory,
carved their way into
my heart.
altogether
-- you or i will never see them --
they are me.
if you regard them lightly,
deny that they are important
or worse, judge them
i will quietly, slowly,
begin to wrap them up,
in small pieces of velvet,
like worn silver and gold jewelry,
tuck them away
in a small wooden chest of drawers

and close.

John T. Wood, 1974

James said...

I care too. Words DO fall short of either describing what we go through or in trying to console.

I too have fallen victim to my own delusions as I put on my "happy mask." Stuck between two worlds are we.

Know that we are all holding hands with each other in the dark void of these illnesses. And that positive energy flows from the ones who are feeling that positivity at the time to be absorbed by those in pain.

I offer you my hand to hold and my arms to wrap you in a hug. I will sit with you in your dark corner and keep you company. I won't talk if you don't want to. I'll just be by your side. :)

Peace and loves to you.

Ophelia said...

I've started being myself to a couple of persons, and it feels good. They have become so important to me, the mirrors of my soul. I expose myself to the danger of rejection with them, though. A risk you have to take when being yourself.

Dear Jane said...

just checking in. I hope all is well... :-)