Sunday, May 28, 2006

Consumed

I know. It’s been a while. My entries seem to get further and further apart. Work has consumed me. I am preparing for another overseas business trip. I’m not really looking forward to this one. It’s all work, and it’ll probably be three very long days. When I get back, I’ll start my new job. Yes, I got a new job. Back in March, but they have been waiting for me because I told them I had to see this current project through.

I feel as though I am entering another stage of my life. I’m working on buying my own home. There are so many things to think about, so many things to do. I may just have to take a day off this week to find myself a lawyer, a building inspector, and go to the Council to get some documents on the property. It all feels so unreal. This has only been a dream, a fantasy of sorts. I’ve been so unwell in the past that I have lost everything, and I am terrified about taking this step because every other time in my life when things go well, I screw up and lose everything. I’ve learnt this lesson well. I believe that the more you have, the more painful it is when it is taken away from you. And trust me, this world will take everything away from you if you even give it a hint that you are doing well.

I told V about how I don’t trust myself anymore. How can you trust yourself when your own emotions go from the highest high to the lowest low all in the matter of moments? How can you trust yourself when you’ve become so unwell that you’ve jumped off a building? How can you trust yourself to maintain a job when you have in the past lost your job?

I tried to explain to V that it will be a long time, that some things take a great deal of time to ‘get over’. I don’t know exactly how long,... but I hope there will come a time when I don’t feel scared, or worry so much anymore.

8 comments:

Cinthia said...

Change is scary but it's exciting, too. I wish you the best in everything you do.

Warm hugs,
Cinthia

ECLIPSE said...

Overseas travel, a new job AND a home of your own -- that's wonderful!

I'd say every one of us takes one day at a time, so don't worry yourself about what might or might not happen in future ... enjoy how things are going for you now.

:-)

butterflies said...

HEY! Thats so cool:)
Your own home..it will settle you Polar.It will be your very own thing that NO-ONE can take from you.You can design it how you want.It will be your control over your environment.
Im so happy for you sweetie.Allow yourself to be happy,allow you to be excited and I promise you that nothing bad will happen:)
Love ya

Joel said...

I'm concerned for you. Be sure to discuss your trip with your psychiatrist. If necessary, demand two or more extra days to account for time zone shifts.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

I'm so happy for you! You're really accomplishing so much!! You finished a project through. You're going to a new job and buying your own home!! That's so fantastic! It's so true that you can control the environment in your own home and make it your own safe place. You've come so far. No one can take away the progress you've made thus far. Those are skills you've put into practice and these are the fruits of your labour. No matter what happens you've gained valuable skills that have taken you here. I'm so happy for you and proud of you! You know what...things are going to turn out for us. I really think so. We'll make it through.

Thanks for your encouragement, Polar Bear. You don't know how much it means to me that you are there for me! I really hope to meet you in person someday. Let me know if you're in Canada sometime and I'll let you know if I'm on your island. Enjoy your accomplishments!! They "double-y" belong to you!

busybusybusy said...

Don't worry the day will come when you are not scared. One day you will be doing something and it will dawn on you that you are not scared anymore! Maybe you should start your new job first, then think about the lawyer and such for your new house. Good Luck!

Vixen said...

Polar, I don't think you should concern yourself with 'getting over' the past. It has never worked to well for me. It is more about dealing with your past weaknesses and moving on. Look to the future and don't dwell in the past, it never does any good. Hope you have fun on your trip!

borderlinesavvy said...

Hi. I know how overwhelmed you are feeling. Just remember to breathe. Take it one moment at a time. Change is particularly upsetting for you, and so much is coming at once. But you will make it through. I'll be here for you as much as I can. Starting the day after tomorrow, I go back to work, so won't be as easy to reach, but there's always gmail.

Take good care of my favorite Bear! It will all work out. Just step by step...