I know. It’s been a while. My entries seem to get further and further apart. Work has consumed me. I am preparing for another overseas business trip. I’m not really looking forward to this one. It’s all work, and it’ll probably be three very long days. When I get back, I’ll start my new job. Yes, I got a new job. Back in March, but they have been waiting for me because I told them I had to see this current project through.
I feel as though I am entering another stage of my life. I’m working on buying my own home. There are so many things to think about, so many things to do. I may just have to take a day off this week to find myself a lawyer, a building inspector, and go to the Council to get some documents on the property. It all feels so unreal. This has only been a dream, a fantasy of sorts. I’ve been so unwell in the past that I have lost everything, and I am terrified about taking this step because every other time in my life when things go well, I screw up and lose everything. I’ve learnt this lesson well. I believe that the more you have, the more painful it is when it is taken away from you. And trust me, this world will take everything away from you if you even give it a hint that you are doing well.
I told V about how I don’t trust myself anymore. How can you trust yourself when your own emotions go from the highest high to the lowest low all in the matter of moments? How can you trust yourself when you’ve become so unwell that you’ve jumped off a building? How can you trust yourself to maintain a job when you have in the past lost your job?
I tried to explain to V that it will be a long time, that some things take a great deal of time to ‘get over’. I don’t know exactly how long,... but I hope there will come a time when I don’t feel scared, or worry so much anymore.