Monday, May 08, 2006

A life worth living

Already May, and time keeps rolling forward, even as I remain stuck behind, frozen within the time warp of my mind.

So many thoughts go through that vast desolate area of my brain, as if there’s a speedway somewhere in there. I keep hearing the noises of passing ghosts, screaming, screeching at me. I keep feeling the pull of a memory inertia, the weight of so much guilt and rage and pain.

I only wanted to be free. I only want some peace of mind. But do I know what I really want? What does the shape of a normal life look like?

Last week, she asked me what a life worth living would look like. I didn’t know. Can I imagine something I never had? Can a person love if they have never been loved?


The Mass Defective said...

Too weird, my T asked me what a life worth living looked like once too. Like you, I had no idea. I was never one to dream of being famous or happily married with kids, never dreamed of being anything really. Never viewed any of those things as important or desirable. Guess all I've ever wanted was just to be happy, something I haven't been able to obtain cuz I finally realize I know so little about myself that I don't know what would make me happy.

Guess you just need to keep digging around inside and find the things you value, things that make you happy and work with your T to adapt those things into your life, to view them as things you deserve.


Yuki said...

i think it's hard to love without first being loved. Sometimes it's so awkward and so hard to learn. But, I think it's possible.

I see you as someone who is loving. You encouarge people and support others online. Even if you're feeling down yourself, you still somehow manage to uplift another person. How is that possible? It's from the heart, too. I can tell. You do show love. You care about others. That's love. I think you're already on your way!

butterflies said...

I agree with Yuki.You DO love.Youve shown me heaps of love!
It took me til I was 45 to really love..until then many ppl told me they loved me but it wasnt until then,that I felt that I could really give my love back..or maybe I found a love inside me that I didnt realise existed.
Now the person I love is dying but I know that LOVE never dies.
Love is eternal.
Take heart dear friend,what you need,you will recieve.

Aqua said...

I agree with Yuki too. You have so much compassion for others and you take the time to let people know you care. That's love. I know I really appreciate comments you write too me. Thanks.

sansanity said...

yeah Yuki is right, you are a very loving person. truthfully, i have only figured out how i want to be loved because of the crappy ways i ahve been loved--like a process of elimination. and then the hard part is finding someone who expresses love the way you need but wants love the way you express it.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine a life without those ghosts intruding.