Thursday, May 11, 2006

May, one one

Two years. It’s been two years ago today since I jumped off that wretched building. Swan dived into what I thought would have been my end. Instead I ended up with multiple fractures in my pelvis and a broken back. Two years ago, it was a Tuesday. Funny the details you don’t forget.

Every time I pass by that building, I still look up there and wonder how many people would have been [un]lucky enough to have survived that and still walk today.

Every time I pass by that building, I find myself asking God why he allowed the angels to catch me as I free fell. Because that was what the nurses were saying to me when they brought me to the emergency room. They said God’s angels were looking out for me. Or was that just part of my hallucination? Why was He suddenly looking out for me in that brief second of my life when I finally had the courage to say enough is enough!?

So it’s been two years. I’ve healed physically yet am reminded of it by the pain that comes and goes in my back. You can’t jump off a building and not mark your body permanently in some way. Just as you can’t jump off a building and not mark your emotional soul in some permanent way.

There is no despair quite like the despair that boils over to a point where you are dangling over the edge of a precipice and you make that detached yet purposeful leap into empty air. There is simply no more hope in a fractured life that eventually spits you out and leaves you for dead…. except you AREN’T dead, and you aren’t quite alive either.

When you’ve been in that kind of dead zone, there are some things you shouldn’t be afraid of anymore. But then again, there are a lot of ghosts that are left permanently haunting what’s left of my mind. And often, I still get scared.


James said...

I can see how that would be something very, very hard to forget.

busybusybusy said...

I had to stop and comment on your blog. I have been close to the edge of the end many times and never went through with it. I never went through with it because my biggest fear was coming out alive. you r lucky u are not permently trapped in your own body ( a quad ). I know people who that has happened to. I hope u find ur purpose in life and r able to go on.

sansanity said...

maybe just maybe you are here to help people like me who are slowly working closer to "working up the nerve" to realize it's no guarnateed out so just don't.

i know i am greatful for your honesty and rawness. there are times that the only thing between me and the end was that someone else was able to put what i was feeling into eloquent words. you have saved me many a time dear PB.

maybe you will be the great writer who brings the world to understand the plight of the mentally ill with your lyrical writings?

butterflies said...

I am SO glad that God did send His angels to hold you! He has a purpose for your life and you were not ready for death at that time.
And yes you were very lucky not to end up as a quad like a friend of mine did who jumped from a hospital window...but I dont believe in luck..I know that theres a strong loving women there who we all need.Thanks sweetie for the comfort and caring you give me.

Dobro said...

I've often thought about what you did. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you find meaning in your life and relief from pain--body and mind. Peace!

Suzanne said...

I do believe that sometime's God intervenes. Despite being reguarly suicidal, I was in a big car crash with a huge truck at the end of december and was thrown across 3 lanes of traffic with my car spinning around and around. All I could think of was "not like this" , and I really believe that God stepped in. *hugs* Your story is amazing.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

Your story is inspiring to me. You now run marathons and that's incredible! You are amazing! Your courage to share, to live, to fight through life and to be real is awe inspiring. I love you!

andi said...

Dear Polar Bear,

It's been a while since you posted this and I just wandered over from James' blog. I just wanted to say thank you for not shutting up about your suicide attempt. I have a lot of friends and family who read my blog so I feel that on some level I should spare them the "gory details" of my own failed attempt - so I very much admire your honesty and straightforwarness. I know it sounds a little strange, but thank you anyway.