Wednesday, July 19, 2006

How now brown cow?

Just watching the clock, like I have been for 7 hours now. Time is slipping by so agonizingly slowly. I want to go home and lie between the covers, shut my eyes, and pass over to that other side. Deep and black as it is, it is at least warm and sheltered from the raging storm of my emotions.

I remember how I cried last week, and how ashamed and foolish I had felt after. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel that squeezing pain in my chest anymore. I’m done. I’m so done.

Group got cancelled this morning. It hit me like a slap in the face. Why? Why? I’ve always hated going to group. Listening to all that moaning and bitching, listening to tales of woe so like my own that I feel this irresistible urge to slap them all because I can’t acknowledge to myself how similar I am to them. At least every one of them is trying. At least they take responsibility for their reactions, their behaviour, as we have been taught to.

Where do I go from here?

4 comments:

Yuki said...

Thanks for writing. It comforts me in a strange way to know that someone out there feels the same way I do. Not that I'm glad someone else is feeling the way I do, but that I feel like I'm not so alone. Thank you for journeying with me. At least along the journey, we have each other.

James said...

I've always hated group but then again I've never been there. I'm too paranoid to try.

ECLIPSE said...

You're doing well to attend group ... I'm not functional enough to get to that stage.

Dobro said...

Maybe you are getting a new attitude toward group.I wish that I could go. But psych stuff is so expensive in the US (unless you are on public assistance) I can't afford it right now.