Something came up in therapy last week which has got me thinking on something, well,... a few things, but the comment that triggered it all was V’s observation that she talked a lot more than I did. Now, I don’t mind V doing most of the talking. I have so much to learn, after all. And also, she truly listens to what little that I do express. That’s a lot more than I am getting anywhere else.
In my relationships – friends, colleagues, people I am meeting for the first time, etc – I find that I come out of conversations knowing a heck of a lot more than the other person knows about me. Of course, I can’t mind read other people, but generally, if they do not ask me questions about me, I don’t volunteer the information. And even if people ask, I rarely go into details. I always assume people are not interested in me. But I on the other hand, ask a lot of questions about the other person. I find this revelation kinda sad. But it clued me in about why I always feel drained when I am with other people. It clued me in about why I don't care about spending time with other people. It clued me in about why I come off feeling unheard (this was the word V used when she speculated about how I would feel, and she got it 100% on the nose. I could never find the right word for this feeling previously).
I don’t know if this needs to change. I’m an introvert by nature, not very good at expressing myself verbally, to begin with. Maybe that’s why I kept an online journal from 1997 to 2002 (now offline). Maybe that’s why I keep a blog now.
Just to be heard... Just to be heard....