Monday, August 14, 2006

Unheard

Something came up in therapy last week which has got me thinking on something, well,... a few things, but the comment that triggered it all was V’s observation that she talked a lot more than I did. Now, I don’t mind V doing most of the talking. I have so much to learn, after all. And also, she truly listens to what little that I do express. That’s a lot more than I am getting anywhere else.

In my relationships – friends, colleagues, people I am meeting for the first time, etc – I find that I come out of conversations knowing a heck of a lot more than the other person knows about me. Of course, I can’t mind read other people, but generally, if they do not ask me questions about me, I don’t volunteer the information. And even if people ask, I rarely go into details. I always assume people are not interested in me. But I on the other hand, ask a lot of questions about the other person. I find this revelation kinda sad. But it clued me in about why I always feel drained when I am with other people. It clued me in about why I don't care about spending time with other people. It clued me in about why I come off feeling unheard (this was the word V used when she speculated about how I would feel, and she got it 100% on the nose. I could never find the right word for this feeling previously).

I don’t know if this needs to change. I’m an introvert by nature, not very good at expressing myself verbally, to begin with. Maybe that’s why I kept an online journal from 1997 to 2002 (now offline). Maybe that’s why I keep a blog now.

Just to be heard... Just to be heard....

4 comments:

Dobro said...

Hi! I also have BPD. I think we have felt rejection and abandonment so bad and frequently that we end up finding it hard to trust people. So we back away from conversations and social situations. That is for me, anyway. Until I'm in a deep crisis. Then no one can get me to shut up (except an ativan)
Take care

James said...

I get very nervous and paranoid about in person convo's anymore and I use to be an "extrovert." My goddamn brain is rotting with each breath.

butterflies said...

I love to listen to what you have to say.You have some very profound ideas and it always causes me to stop and think.
Thankyou for talking:)

sansanity said...

funny, i keep people at bay by asking them lot's about themselves to keep them from asking me about me.