Friday, November 17, 2006

Fallen

I’m so messed up. Another tough session with V yesterday. I’m slowly trying to move past the anger which has lasted for 2 weeks now. I didn’t actually think I was angry anymore yesterday, but apparently I was, and was still throwing my borderline-type behaviour tantrum. It felt so good to be able to lash out, but a part of me felt sad that I might be upsetting V. So I finally relented somewhat by the end of the session, by agreeing to write up a chain analysis whenever I engage in self destructive behaviour.

She kept her tone soft and gentle throughout the session, making it feel safer for me to express my anger. When I left, I said “See you next week”, and she smiled at me and said “You will”. Yet, by the time I got home I could feel my world collapsing around me and immediately went ahead with a self destructive act. I was so disappointed in myself – but I guess V might have been right – that perhaps I am not as committed to change as I promised to be right from the start of this whole therapy thing. This bothers me because if I am not committed, then the work I do with V means nothing at all. The phrase “spinning my wheels” seems to come to mind.

As adverse to change as I am, I realise this is what I must do to be able to live a life worth living. This must somehow happen because if it doesn’t, it will continue to hurt, day after day, after day…

6 comments:

The Mass Defective said...

My pdoc tells me that I should be in therapy if for nothing more than to be able to check in with someone weekly in hopes of averting a crisis. He knows I'm stuck between wanting to feel better and feeling that isn't a conceivable possibility.

I have a feeling V knows you're "spinning your wheels". Maybe you can bring that up next time you see her. Maybe she has some suggestions about how to actually move forward.

Take care,
Sid

Yuki said...

The last paragraph is a life changing statement from you, Polar Bear! I think it's that resolve for healing and "do whatever it takes to get better" that makes a huge difference. I'm very proud of you!

As for your comment in your second last post...IT'S NOT, ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT! It really isn't! It's this sickness, the abuse suffered, and lack of love...it's NOT your fault!! It's borderline personality's fault! It's the sickness, NOT You! You will get better and beat this thing!!! You deserve to get better more than anyone I know!!:)

James said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. I often feel worse when I leave therapy too. I think it's a sign of hard work being done. No pain no gain as the cliche goes.

Sometimes the pain though is unbearable and that's where friends and family like us come in. We are here to help support you in any way that we can. Lean on us and our collective strength.

There are bound to be set backs but it sounds like over-all you are are willing to do the hard work. You should know that you deserve a lot of credit for what you have doing and have done.

A lot of people that need help won't even bother seeing a therapist in the first place. So pat yourself on the back for going to therapy!! It's hard not to look at the long road and feel discouraged but this moment is all we have to worry about in reality.

Baby steps.

Don't give up on yourself sweetie. As you can see there are a lot of people who feel you're doing the best that you can and that's all anyone can ask of you. And doing the best that you can is A LOT.

Hugs and support to you!!

You are loved and thought about often.

May you feel the support, strength and peace that I am sending your way. I hope this finds you feeling better.

No one has to go through this life alone and you are not alone. We are here for you anytime you need a helping hand. :)

P.S.~Sorry this post is so long...I just care about ya friend!! You can't get rid of me...hehe...

ECLIPSE said...

I can't even imagine change on some permanent basis ... I'm inclined to think there is no nirvana to be arrived at ... life's just a day-to-day struggle of one kind or another & you do what you can to manage. So try not to be too hard on yourself when you slip up now and then :-)

sansanity said...

you know it is a hard struggle. i've found that i can forgive intellectually but not emotionally. i can try to dampen the emotions that go with the anger/disappointment, but they creep up at times.

Anonymous said...

What has helped me for 18 years is realizing the hole that begs to be filled up, never will be. We have holes in our souls that will never be filled. Stuffing them with booze, drugs and people doesn't work. Lashing out against them in whatever self-destructive manner does little in the long run. Seeing the hole, staring it down and letting the cries echo through while acknowledging its existance...and loving it for its emptiness...has helped me stay away from the razor blades.

Tracy
http://www.crazytracy.com/blog