I feel so needy and desperate. Day one back at work, and already I’m wishing I could just leave. I probably could. Walk straight out and nobody would miss me. My mind is a jumbled mess. There are things I have to do, but there is no motivation for me to do them. Why bother? I don’t know.
I want to abandon this life I have created around me. It’s taken me so long, too much time, to get to where I am today, and yet I sit here wondering if this is what life is all about. If it is, then I wish I could simply walk out, disappear forever into some hole in the time-space continuum. I want to be someone else. I want to play the part of somebody more stable, more sane. I want to be the daughter of V. I want to be part of a family who cares deeply for each other. I want to matter. I want to be missed if I am not someplace where I need to be.
And yet I know I will walk out of here today and disappear into the nothingness of my weekends. The roaring silence of my days spent doing nothing important, nothing that matters.
Yesterday’s session with V left me feeling a bit raw. We talked about my parents. It’s all water under the bridge, I told V. I want to distance myself from them, not out of hate, but out of a need to be. To keep myself sane and safe. I walked out feeling as though I can’t carry myself through one whole week before seeing V again. Needy and clingy and desperate.