Friday, November 03, 2006

I am weak

I feel so needy and desperate. Day one back at work, and already I’m wishing I could just leave. I probably could. Walk straight out and nobody would miss me. My mind is a jumbled mess. There are things I have to do, but there is no motivation for me to do them. Why bother? I don’t know.

I want to abandon this life I have created around me. It’s taken me so long, too much time, to get to where I am today, and yet I sit here wondering if this is what life is all about. If it is, then I wish I could simply walk out, disappear forever into some hole in the time-space continuum. I want to be someone else. I want to play the part of somebody more stable, more sane. I want to be the daughter of V. I want to be part of a family who cares deeply for each other. I want to matter. I want to be missed if I am not someplace where I need to be.

And yet I know I will walk out of here today and disappear into the nothingness of my weekends. The roaring silence of my days spent doing nothing important, nothing that matters.

Yesterday’s session with V left me feeling a bit raw. We talked about my parents. It’s all water under the bridge, I told V. I want to distance myself from them, not out of hate, but out of a need to be. To keep myself sane and safe. I walked out feeling as though I can’t carry myself through one whole week before seeing V again. Needy and clingy and desperate.

6 comments:

Karen said...

I hear you

Anonymous said...

Hi. I hope your weekend isn't lonely and empty. I hope you have found a way to be near people, if not with them. A week is a long time to wait to be able to speak to the only person (in the flesh) who understands you and has an inkling about what you're suffering through. I struggle with that too. I saw my therapist twice a week for the first 2 years, but this year it's been weekly and it's not enough. So I guess I'm weak and needy too. I guess it goes with the territory (BPD), eh? Sorry. I wanted to cheer you up, but I feel like sh*t too. Let's take it one hour at a time. I'm thinking of you. Take care. TW.

sansanity said...

yeah AMEN!

the odd thing is i really need my weekends of nothingness. it's like i recharge enough to be able to get out into the world the rest of the week. but people don't get that and keep interrupting the recharge cycle.

and do i so know how you feel about family and the longing to be in one that is loving and a bit more normal. i almost married a guy i had fallen ou of love with simply to have his family. i've even made some desperate attempts at creating that for myself and it has failed miserably. and how you express the need to distance yourself from your prents. well you said what i feel so eloquently i cried. i realized that it is not hate (as my mo interprets it) but a matter of survival. it made me feel better about myself because i had beguin to believe the guilt trip that was laid on me.

thank you...

Anonymous said...

Hey Polar,

Some time ago a friend said something to me that always stuck with me. I was sad that I didn't have good memories of love and comfort from my childhood, and I didn't feel cherished by my parents. I felt they were critical of me and cold, and wanted so much for things to have been different. My friend said to me, "You can't choose the family you were born into, but you can choose your next family." He was talking about me having the chance to pick a husband and raise children the right way - nurturing it into the loving supportive family I've always wanted. I'm doing that...and you can too. Hugs, Sandy

The Mass Defective said...

Just read your post, several hours after I posted my Saturday one about not taking long to return to crisis. It's so weird that we seem to be in a similar place, almost as if we're mirroring each other without even knowing it.

I hope you're hanging in there. I'm trying as best I can.

Hugs,
Sid

ECLIPSE said...

I look at couples on home improvement shows and imagine they have "nice" families, are "nice" people, love each other, have "normal" lives, possess an innocence I cannot experience and breeze through life with ease, in their shiny, happy world -- and I wish for a moment that I could experience the confidence, safety and security I imagine they experience.

And a lot of my life is some thunderous silence, save for the churning stomach and a psychic life that tends to be unpleasant.

But I also drive down the road thinking for a fleeting moment how much beauty and possibility there IS and how much of my life has been wasted, as I'm often blind to so many wonderful things I can never possibly live in my lifetime -- and I think to myself that I'd better consume as much of life as I can in the time I have left to live.

But that could be mania of some kind creeping up on me :-), as I don't often see gleaming potential out there.

Anyway, I hope that you can pull out of the downward slump by connecting with the things you might enjoy doing -- and I think that just small steps in that direction can make a suprising difference. One thing leads to another and then another and things don't seem so pointless and empty the way they tend to when we're depleted and disconnected.

Maintaining the "up" momentum isn't easy, tho.

Anyway, hope you're doing better.