Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Tears. I haven't cried in a long time.

I haven't cried in a long time because the pain has ebbed. But now it flows again, the way nature flows back, every time. I find myself trapped on my own island of solitute. My SOS signals no longer heard. I don't scream anymore because I know no one will hear. I don't scream anymore because I know I am dying and there will be no resistance.

Tears, more tears.... I don't want to cry anymore. I'm fighthing the flood that is threatening to swallow me.

Last night on TV, there was a segment on this guy around my age with end stage cancer. He was strikingly handsome. His gorgeous wife is expecting their first child. He does not know if he will be alive to see it born. I wanted to take the disease from him and put it in me. I've got so much less to lose.

I haven't thought about suicide in a while. I've been working so hard to live, instead of succumbing to feelings which seem inherent to me. Have I only been going against the grain? Trying to live a life I am not entitled to?

I've been working so hard to live. I bought a house. I renovated my bathroom, then my kitchen. I've been trying to save for nicer furniture, nicer furnishings. Playing house like a little girl. None of this is real.

All distractions from death, from the longing of death. And now everything is finally crashing back, like I deserve. I can't fight this anymore. I can't imagine how to survive a pain so exponentially intense.


Anonymous said...

You are heard.

Anonymous said...

I want to say something encouraging but I don't know what would help. I bet there are lots of readers who have the same experience. Some have no idea what you're experiencing, and others (like me) know it only too well and have yet to find any way of alleviating the pain. Either way, please know that we are a witness to your suffering, and I, for one, admire you for forcing yourself to function in that unreal world out there. Hang in there. One of the few things we can rely on is that nothing stays the same for long. TW.

mariecoppla said...

Everybody needs an emotional meltdown every now and again. It releases some tension and helps to heal the broken wings.

I wrote a poem about mine "Why She Cries" You can read it on the poetry blog.


Just remember you are not alone out there. I understand JUST how you feel.

Dee said...

My brother in law committed suicide last February. I imagine at the time he was feeling much like you do. I will never understand as I haven't been there myself. I still miss him every single day. I only wish that he could have reached out when he was hurting so that I could tell him that I was there and that I would do anything to help him. He is missed and loved by many people who he thought didn't care about him. I guess in a roundabout way I'm just trying to say that there are people out there that love and care about you. It takes courage to share your feelings here and allow others to see a glimpse of what lies deep down in your heart.

Anonymous said...

Sweetie...dry your tears.I loved the way you reached out and shook hands with the little boy that reminded you of yourself.Thats a big step.
The guy you saw on TV may have years to live.Look at James! he was told 3 years ago that he had 6 mths! Docs are full of shit.You are depressed.I read about how much antidepressants increase the risk of suicide..
PLease email me..dont be alone.I dont mind how serious you are.Sometimes theres not much to laugh about but if I could I would wipe away all the crap your mother put into your head.You ARE worthy.Youre wonderful and clever(and a great runner;)

Suzanne said...

I know these feelings will never really leave you and they'll be back, but I hope the intensity wanes soon.

The Mass Defective said...

I hope the tears have dried up, or at least have begun to slow. I know the pain that forces them to come out like that, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.

Please keep on trying to hang in there. I know it's hard, but you can survive. You've come too far to let go now.


Eclipse said...

It does feel unreal and I often feel like I'm "playing house" and am sliding backwards over and over again.

I'm often amazed by ppl who hold it together despite terminal illness and adversities. Guess it comes down to the beliefs a person has about life and about themselves.

I don't know how to tell you to believe in yourself as I'm right there with you ... I suppose it's a case of maybe not allowing fear to become overwhelming. Fear of not making it, fear of not being "good enough", fear of not being deserving or whatever.

Anonymous said...

You still there? Let us know how you are.

James said...

I understand wanting to take other's pain on. For the longest time I wanted terminal cancer. It seems harder to live for someone then to die for someone sometimes.

You may not feel like it but you are strong. Stronger then most people. I admire your commitment to blogging.

It is a vital life line to the rest of the world for those of us who have a hard time expressing ourselves in person to others. It is also a great support network. We are all in this together and I encourage you to keep blogging to get out your frustrations and concerns.

I may not comment on every post but I'm here reading and listening.

Breath in, breath out...you will get though this. You are loved.