Wednesday, January 17, 2007

7 days and counting

How many weeks has it been? This is the longest we have not seen each other in the 30 months we have been seeing each other. It's been a long time. I've suffered greatly from your absence. I know it shouldn't affect me so deeply. I'm ashamed that it does, that it has.

And you are finally returning one week from now. I hope you have had a good break from all your crazies. I know you needed the break. There must be all sorts of pressure for you. I wouldn't be able to understand. My own pressures are different from yours. I needed a break too, but struggled to take even the 12 mandatory days I had to take over Christmas and New Year.

What will we say to each other when we finally meet again? How can someone who knows such intimate details of my life suddenly seem so distant?

3 comments:

butterflies said...

Hi Dear Polar:)
Just dropping by to say that I care..You will be fine..I know that and I have a lot of confidence in you.Take care Hon.

The Mass Defective said...

Hope all goes well with your next meeting. Bring up the struggle you went through with their absence, maybe it will help ease your relationship back to a sense of normalcy.

Hugs,
Sid

Just Me said...

Hey, is this your therapist you've been missing? I hope the reunion was great. (I'm reading your archives. ;)

You know, it's a sign of a great therapist when his (mine is a male so I'll use male here) clients start loving him. I'm not talking about crushes -- those happen, too, and are also OK but different from what I'm talking about.

Being in therapy is, for me, the experience of having a relationship with someone I can trust to hang in there with me. That's about it. He won't run away if I get furious at him, he won't push me away because he's bored, he won't ask me to go away because I'm difficult.

Other than that, and my commitment to hang in there, too, he's just a human being. Yes, he's trained and that's why I want to see him. He can recognize patterns in our interaction that (perhaps) less trained people couldn't see, and he can be level when he explains it to me.

But he's a human. He gets mad at me, he snaps at me occasionally, he hurts when I snap at him. He gets tired and doesn't want to talk sometimes when I call, he hasn't quite hung up on me ever but he's been tempted.

Our relationship is one of the most emotionally charged I've ever been in, and it's because neither of us is afraid of letting our emotions get in the way of our relationship. Our emotions are what defines our relationship.

I know he loves me (he says he cares about me and hasn't, I don't think, said "love", but it doesn't matter because, well, he loves me whether he says that word or not). It is such a precious feeling. It's not because I'm such a great patient (I'm always late, I bounced a check), but because he genuinely likes me and cares about my struggles and wants to see me be happier. He says he feels like a parent figure in some ways.

The most amazing thing has happened between us -- I can talk to him about caring about him, and it is excruciating, but very very validating and very emotionally satisfying on a very deep level.

Yes, I understand that he's my therapist, not my friend. Those boundaries are clear in both our minds, but they're not boundaries so much as just a paradigm for why we're communicating. Yes, it's his job and yes he loves it. He also loves just being in relationships -- relating to people. In many ways, he and I have a very special relationship that couldn't/wouldn't happen anywhere but in that room, and we both value it very much.

I think he values me at some points in my life more than others. I must be wearying to him sometimes.

It is very, very hard when he goes away. One thing I do to ease it is that I have an object that I keep in his office. When he's going to be gone, I take it home and then I have it to comfort me.

I have sat in his lobby (of his shared office) when he's out of town so I can feel closer to him; on one case it was because I didn't feel safe anywhere else. Yes, I had a hard time telling him about that, but when I did he just nodded and asked if it helped.

So, weird, whatever, I am no longer ashamed to say I love my therapist. He is one of the most important people in my life and (I predict) will always be in my life.

I have no plans to stop seeing him. (I jokingly ask him occasionally if he ever cures anyone because his schedule is so booked up and he can't ever reschedule our appointment to a different time.) I am getting much better all the time, my BPD is seriously under better control than since I was diagnosed five years ago.

I don't ever want to not know this person, and I won't be ashamed.