Friday, January 05, 2007


You abandoned me, leaving me to grieve alone. You walked away and forgot all about what we had built together. We had a record, a memory, a history, and yet you used all that against me. CM asked me yesterday if I felt betrayed or was hurt by your thoughtlessness. But I don’t think it hurt me that way. The word thoughtlessness is too casual, suggesting a surface feeling. No, but you did shatter me, you did devastate me. The emotional reaction was huge, large enough to trigger a psychotic episode, or maybe that was a series of psychotic episodes.

I don’t have that warm place in my heart anymore. I turned to my grief and became too upset, too angry. And then even all those emotions seeped away and I became resigned. I think I am resigned now. I don’t care about seeing you again. But I do want to. I know you’ll be back, and when I am alone with you again, I know it will feel warm and good all over again.

The feeling works like a light switch. Turn it on and it’s intensely bright. Turn it off, and I am left in pitch darkness, yearning for light, yearning for any little bit of light to penetrate this darkness. How can a person see in the dark? How do you expect me to hold onto this memory of you when the memory of you cuts so deeply into my heart?

When will you come back to heal me?

1 comment:

butterflies said...

One of my dearest friends told me once that she has a 'lock box'in her mind and anything she cant cope with goes into it.She has a rule for herself.never open the box unless you want to feel the pain..or unless you can deal with it.I asked her why she has to have the box locked..she said so she couldnt open it without the key and the key is only retrieved when shes feeling strong.I know its all visualisation but it works.
The feelings of abandonment are so predominant and are the hardest ones to deal with.Feeling cheated is heartbreaking.If I could,I would travel there to see you,gather you up and go for a long beach walk..scream at the sea and laugh in the wind.
Love you sweetie.