Monday, March 19, 2007

The attempt

Weeks ago the plan was hatched. I was the mastermind. But I was also the fooled. I don’t know how it began. If there was one point in time that had to start this, I would say it was the moment V said she would be away the week of March 12th for training, so would be unable to see me until the week following that. I would never confess to anyone that this was the case. It was my lack of ability to cope. It was the empty weeks at the beginning of this year when she was away for so long, and then again last month when she was away in training, never substituting another day in the same week to see me. Does she not know this is so important to me? Does she not know about the monsters in the dark that frighten me when she goes away? I didn’t want to face them anymore. I’d had enough.

I told people around me I was going away for business for the week. I told people at work I was taking a week off for vacation. No one asked me where.

It didn’t matter.

On Tuesday, March 13th, I woke early. I took all the medication I had been stock piling for months and months. The last thing I remembered was me sitting in the living room, telling myself I’d wait an hour, then head to bed. I never got there. I don’t remember putting on my shoes (I know I did because when I left the hospital, my shoes were in the paper bag along with my clothes). I don’t remember walking down the road towards the hospital. I don’t remember stumbling around the car park behind the mental health center. I don’t remember the worker who came out and saw me in trouble.

I just remember waking up in Intensive Care unable to speak because of the ventilator tube down my throat. That was Wednesday, maybe Thursday, I don’t know.

People came to see me. I remember vague faces. I remember the nurses. In my heart, I knew I’d failed. People would later tell me – for the first 24 hours, they weren’t sure I would pull through. The doctors thought that even if I did wake up, I could suffer some brain damage.

I’m awake and alive now. Is it such a shame?

8 comments:

butterflies said...

ts a shame that you rely so heavily on V..its not a shame that youre still alive.I cant see that the mental health system is helping you enough if there is only one person that you can turn to in a crisis. Obviously,your medication is not working for you.
I know the desparation you must have felt to want to kill yourself.
Why is there not someone to help you and show you your own self worth? Do you want to kill yourself because you think no-one cares if you live or die?
You have to care about yourself..your own self.
You must not have really wanted to die if you walked off to the hospital...you wanted someone to help you.Now you have my number,I expect you to txt me and I will talk you thru the horribleness.You are NOT alone Polar.Never!!!
I trusted your strength and I still do.I pray for you and will help with practical matters also.
A spiritual force carried you to the carpark..a guide was with you and around you..holding you and keeping you safe.
I am always here! and I love you

Dee said...

I, for one, am glad you are still here. You may not know me any better than all of the other blurry faces in the world, but I do care.

I agree with butterflies that you do need a larger support system-someone else you can turn to when things get bad. If I lived nearby, I would be glad to be that person for you.

Brony said...

I too am glad that you are here. You always offer me hope in your comments.

Although I am not near you, I am with you in my thoughts and you are with me in my paryers.

Suzanne said...

You need to tell V how much you need her. I told my therapist (well, he bludgeoned it out of me over an hour with me wailing *rolls eyes*) but now when he's out of town I see a colleague of his who is familiar wit my story (they all discuss patients together to get fresh angles). Maybe this is something which could happen for you. My therapist also gives me little toys which I keep in my handbag so that when I'm feeling really low I can look at them and remember that there is someone out there who cares.

I'm sorry you felt the need to do this to yourself. Please don't punish your own body because of what other people did to you.

Oh... and next time you pull a stunt like this and I see it coming I *will* call "a" hospital in your country and rant at them about a "blogger" - hehe! The result of said phone call is that the men in white jackets will arrive at MY house !

Kym said...

Polar, my heart goes out to you. I know what it is like to wake up with sh*t hanging off you, not knowing what day it is and, well, not wanting to be awake. It's devastating to say the least.

Sending some cyber hugs your way.

Ms Peculiar said...

Honey, I am so sorry that this illness has it's claws in you. I can empathize with you and as you know just got out too, just remember that you have a chemical imbalance not a character flaw.
Sending you all the love I have]

Sandi

Anonymous said...
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Dobro said...

I too am glad that you are still with the living and that you did not suffer brain damage.I agree with butterflies-it is a shame that you rely so much on V.
Maybe you can find out if you could have a sub therapist for times that V. is unavailable.
Just an idea.
Hugs!