Thursday, March 22, 2007

Where am I

Where have I been?

Still trying to find myself.

After checking out of the medical ward last Friday, I hadn't allowed myself time to truly recover. As a consequence, I ended up being admitted to the looney bin on Monday night when I finally crashed.

Physically, I had been so shattered by the overdose. Mentally and emotionally, I was not prepared to face the world again. In a way, the last few days in the psych ward was time to talk and think things through.

Details became known to me through talking to my case manager, V, the pdoc, the nurses.
The person who found me last week stumbling around the hospital car park was a mental health worker, so she knew me. She found me with my shoes in my hand. I guess I knew enough to grab my shoes but not enough to put them on. Anyway - she bundled me into her car and drove me over to Emergency. By the time we got there, I was unconscious.

I had a succession of grand mal seizures. They gave me a Glasgow Coma Scale (GCS) of 3, which is the lowest you could score on it. It is associated with deep coma and death. They were so worried they contacted my brother in America.

That's another thing I have to deal with now. I feel I've let him down. He was so worried about me, and all I wanted to do last week was brush him off.

I'm such an ass.


Sid said...

I hope you're somewhere safe, getting the help you need. I'm sorry to read that you ended up in the hospital again. I'm also sorry I didn't read about it sooner.

I definitely agree with the comments on the last post. A stronger support system is a must. But until you can develop one (my own isn't that great), I suggest keeping a list of numbers by the phone that you can call when you're in a crisis. I have a list that includes my therapist, my pdoc, the suicide hotline and even a couple of local psych hospitals which have counselors on staff 24 hrs a day. I'd rather reach out to those people than family or friends because the mental health workers have the training to know what to do to actually help you.

Please take care of you Polar, please.

savvylady said...

Sweetie, I'm so glad that you went back into the hospital. When we chatted, you were very, very fragile.

I agree with Sid. Keep a list both by your bedside and in your wallet of V's number, your case worker's number, you pdoc's number, the psych ward number, the hospital number, any suicide hotline numbers, and any other numbers that would help.

You're not an ass. Like we talked about, it's an illness. Illnesses need to be treated. Your illness got very, very bad, and now people are recognizing it and are actively doing something to help you.

Be gentle with yourself, girl. Be very kind and tender to yourself.

Having been an emergency medical technician, I'm familiar with the Glascow scale. And you're right, it was rock bottom. But I'm so glad that you came out of it.

I'm so glad that you are here. You are so special. Cuddle up in bed with your bears and your blanket and a book, or watch tv. Just take it one moment at a time.

Much, much love. Suzanne

James said...

You're not an ass at all. It's hard when our brains are all screwed up. It's hard to make rational decisions in that state. It really throws everything off (as you well know).

I'm glad that help found you. I wish that I could do more. Just know that I am thinking about you, concerned and supportive. I have faith that you will make it!!!

I know you want to give up and give in but you've come so far!!! Don't give up now.