Monday, April 16, 2007

Anniversary of birth

I am 34 years old today.

Incredible, considering the many near-death experiences I have had. I used to think I was cursed, that there is no way for me to die - some kind of twist in the great cosmic universe. But the fact that I am still alive despite those incidences, should mean something. It could mean I do want to be alive. I have learnt to separate the desire to end my internal pain and the desire to end my life.

Which means - yes, I do want to end this internal pain, but I realise death is not necessarily the solution to this.

Some days I can be extremely lucid. Isn't it amazing? Yay the wonders of medication.

As with most of the anniversaries of my birth, I dug out old journals - most in electronic format (archived on CDs from the online version - no longer online, of course), going back as far as 1997. I wanted to see where I was 4 years, 5 years, even 10 years ago. It wasn't pretty. Mostly very difficult reading, so I put them away. I will not indulge in self pity. Not today.

There was a quote (I used to collect quotes and would include them in my daily entries) which I'd like to share, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Believe me, every man (or woman)
has his(her) secret sorrows,
which the world knows not;
and oftentimes we call a man(or woman) cold,
when (s)he is only sad.


Sid said...

Happy Birthday Polar! I hope you'll do something nice for yourself today, you certainly deserve it. I'm glad you put the journals away. You don't need to read about the depressing past, especially on your birthday.

It's good to see you saying you recognize you don't want to die but just want to end the internal pain. That's a big, positive step on the road to recovery. I hope you'll remember these words if you ever get to the point where the pain feels overwhelming again. Hope I remember them too.

Suzanne said...

Sparkling clarity indeed!

Yes, there is a definite difference between wanting to end the pain and wanting life to end.

Happy birthday chick - be kind to yourself! :-)

sadgirl said...

Hi Polar

Happy Birthday! I agree with the previous posters. Try to have a nice time doing your fave things. Like go for a run for instance if you can. Treat yourself to a little present too. Be kind to yourself as you deserve it!


Dee said...

Hope you had a great birthday! :)

butterflies said...

OH happy birthday sweetie:)
Im SO glad that youre still alive.
Youve done so well lately
Love you girlfriend

James said...

Happy belated birthday!!!

Great insight here:

Which means - yes, I do want to end this internal pain, but I realise death is not necessarily the solution to this.

Cinthia said...

I'm ashamed. I can't believe I missed your birthday! Anyway, hope you are doing ok today. Happy belated birthday, my friend!