Friday, April 20, 2007

I am its slave

It’s too hard to try to piece together a life that has never had any consistency, a life so devoid of emotions and yet filled with such intensity. I left so many pieces of myself behind through this journey, pieces I used to want to hold onto. But now I don’t anymore. That’s both good and bad. It’s good because it means I can go on and not look back anymore. But it’s bad because those unspoken things will always haunt me in those moments when I let my guard down. And those moments will come, I know.

The same themes arise over and over again. It is about the creation of hope and the inevitable devastation of losses. It is about strength and courage which fades into weakness and cowardice. It is about grief, the never ending sorrow of just being conscious enough to be alive.

I was 20 years old when I wrote this:
My grief is dark and violent
It has no source….it comes from no where
It just overwhelms me, catches me unguarded
I am its slave.


Suzanne said...

I think BPD tortures us by making us torture ourselves. We look back on every past mistake and/or bad choice and berate ourselves more. We need to learn that these mistakes/choices are just a part of who we are - they don't define us. I'm finally starting to let go of some of the shit I've done/been through and it's helping. But I am the master of punishing myself -- others can only hurt me a fraction of what I do to me.

sadgirl said...

I am sorry that your past overwhelms you. Perhaps at this point try NOT to piece it together if this is hurting you. You are who you are now in this moment. You are a unique person of value.
Don't torture yourself with the past. You cannot change it but tell yourself that the past is over.

Ophelia said...

Have you considered to offer your texts to be published? They're such a painful story, and yet a story with hope.