Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Liar liar pants on fire

I had that dream again. The dying dream. This time, I was sitting in my car, there was a hose running from the exhaust into the car and all the windows were sealed. I was just sitting there, and my heart started to seize up. I felt a shooting pain in my chest, and I woke gasping, tears running down my face.

I didn’t want to die. It just felt like there was no other option. I couldn’t stop crying for a long time.

Last week I told V that I wish I could look back on things and say that I’m glad I survived the overdose. I wish I could say that that is something I will never do again. But I can’t. I can’t. I don’t want to do it again, but I can’t promise anything. I’ve broken way too many promises. I don’t trust myself, nor do I believe myself when I make such promises. Not anymore.

I’ve been running a lot. Almost every day, I’m out there at lunchtime running. Every time I push myself that much harder, that much faster. I’ve been putting all my fear and all my anguish into a box, and I imagine myself running away from it. Anger and fear makes me a better runner.

I haven’t spoken to my folks in months. Probably not since end of last year, or very early this year. We email, but that is the extent of our communication. I told them I didn’t have a phone anymore, just my mobile which they cannot reach. That’s just another lie. I do have a phone. And a mobile. I just didn’t want them to call. I promised I’d call them. But that’s just another promise I’ve broken. For someone who likes to think she has integrity, or at least values integrity highly, I am nothing but one big fake.

One big pariah.

8 comments:

Sid said...

I can't make promises to anyone that I won't ever harm myself again either, so you're not the only one. While I do fight to keep the urges from taking hold, I'd rather not make the promise than end up breaking it. Dilutes some of the guilt I guess.

While I don't physically run, I do understand the running away from fear & anger. I've always just done it in a more symbolic sense like changing my name, moving a lot, jumping in the car & going for long drives, etc.

Does it help you feel better emotionally when you run? Wonder if it would be of any help if you took an actual box, put your fear & anger inside via yelling into it or filling it with writings, ran as far away from your home as possible to a place you wouldn't ever go again and threw the box away, leaving it to be destroyed and buried in a garbage dump. Just an idea. I might try that myself next time I'm on the run.

Suzanne said...

Don't chastise yourself over not phoning your parents. If they were good people who were valuable to your life you wouldn't need to think twice!

butterflies said...

Fears....James strength..One night we were both glowing in the aftermath of passion and he said...give ME the hurts baby..And for the first time in my life I felt that I had met someone who could handle them...so without words,I laid my hands on his chest and pictured my sorrows mentally flowing through my hands and into his body.It was a completely spiritual moment.One of healing for me.
I have never taken those fears back,ever.He took them to his grave.
I agree with Sid.Put them in a box on paper and put a lock on them.Write them out.
You cant get to them without the key.
Someone else has the key and its a hassle to get it.
Those fears are no longer accessible to you.
Run and run my sweet..I love running away.Theres nothing wrong with it as long as you come back sometimes:)

melodyann said...

Thank you for visiting my blog. I never realized before that there were actual unhappy people out there. I've been sad, so very sad that I didn't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. In fact, I've lived my whole life in a sort of limbo. Too afraid to make any changes, too full of hope to stop dreaming....
I will fling a few wishes to the heavens tonight for you... it's all I have to give.

Eclipse said...

I think you do have integrity if you can't mouth promises you're unsure you'll be able to keep ... and letting ppl down gently by avoiding them if you don't wish to communicate with them is a valid choice to make, if you don't want to deal with confrontation by directly informing them you've no desire to speak.

I think what you say to yourself is more important than what others might like you to say ... and getting things straight within yourself is where it's at.

I hope that whatever you're going through emotionally lifts for you and that you see things differently in time.

Polar Bear said...

Sid,
Yes, it does help me when I run. Actually I feel pretty good after a run. All the endorphins, I guess. I'm not ashamed to say I'm an endorphin addict :)

Suzanne,
Thanks for understanding. I think it's very ironic, almost "Cats in the Cradle" like. My mom used to give me the "silent treatment', not talking to me for days up to weeks if she was displeased with me.

Butterflies,
Thanks for sharing that with me. James was such an amazing man. take care...

Mel,
Thank you. I appreciate all the help I can get.

Eclipse,
"I think what you say to yourself is more important than what others might like you to say ... and getting things straight within yourself is where it's at."

I'll have a think about this...

Dobro said...

I understand what you are saying.
I don't make any promises anymore, either.
Hugs

sadgirl said...

Hi Polar Bear

Its hard to know how to help. But i just want you to know I am thinking of you and wishing you well in your struggle. I know it is a struggle because I have been there. Just don't give up. Whatever. Take it one day at a time. I don't know what meds you are on but things changed for me a couple of months after being on lithium. Before that I was terribly depressed. So it could be that once you hit a drug combo that works, that this changes everything. I am very much thinking of you.

love sadgirl xxx