Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Flood

You don't have to say it in so many words. I know how to read between the lines. I've been through this so many times, I know how it works. I can smell a funeral before someone's demise. I know that you use so many words to lull me into sleep, to give me a false sense of security, but I'm not stupid when it comes to these matters. I know where you're going, I know what happens. I know all about cause and effect, I know all about consequences. I know my penalty for self indulgence. I know there will be no reassurances, I know I have to pay my due.

You don't have to try to cover it all up in bubble wrap, as if you think the edges will cut me. You don't have to use so many fancy words which I do not understand. Just say it to me, just say it to me in the most simple way, the way so many others before you have said it. Just say you are going to walk away from me. Just say it. Just walk away, don't try to justify it, don't try to imagine you are protecting me.

My heart is breaking into so many pieces. The tears keep flowing. I don't know if I will ever be able to stop crying. It's flooding, and I'm drowning, and I want to die even before the blackness can envelope me.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm such a mess. I'm so sorry I hurt you, made you live with something you didn't want to live with. I'm so sorry I can't be a better person, I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger.

No matter what happens, I want you to know I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to cause such a trail of havoc in my wake. If I could do it all over, I would never have been born.

There is a song that goes "Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistake". But I think there was a mistake. The mistake was me. I'm so sorry.

Have you ever watched "The Hours"? There was a scene where the guy is depressed, and his friend is bustling all around him, reminding him about this great party he had to look forward to, and all he said was "What about the hours in between?" Those agonizing hours he had to live through just to make it for the party later in the day. All those hours. Do you know what it's like to live through those agonizing hours when everything hurts and all you can think about is how much you want to end it all? Who cares about the party? Is it worth those hours? How do you get through it?

Don't say it, please don't say it. I know where you are. If there was a rope you are hanging onto, I know you'd be at the end of it. People always end up there somehow with me. You say it's not about me, personally. It's about my behaviour. It's the BEHAVIOUR you are rejecting, not me personally. I know. I know. It doesn't hurt any less. To me, there is no difference. To me, it doesn't matter that you hate my behaviour and not me.

I know how it ends. I know you have to do what you have to do. I know I have to do what I have to do. We all bloody have to do what we have to do.

Cause and effect. Consequences of my actions. Taking responsibility.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

3 comments:

Sid said...

Am I reading this right? Did V tell you she's dumping you as a patient? I hope that's not the case, but if it is, I'm so sorry.

You and I have a history of going back and forth, trying to support one another to be strong. Telling each other we can make it through these hard times.

I'm going to tell you again that you can survive this. You have the strength to persevere. A major example is that you survived a fall (ok, a jump) that could have killed you or permanently paralyzed you, but it didn't.

Despite the dialogue that goes on inside your head, and I know what it says because the same goes on in my own head, there is a part of you still fighting. Still believing you deserve so much more from life and I think you do to.

Please keep fighting.

~*Rylah*~ said...

Polar, you have said this so eloquently that I almost found myself crying as I read it - which is a pretty big statement for me as I don't cry!

Please fight this and know, truly, that you are not alone. Allow all of us out here to shoulder a little bit of this hurt for you..... for we all know how this feels and just how painful it is. Please know you are not alone.

Keep blogging if you can. Thinking of you...

Jacqui (Rylah) xXx

MB said...

I'm speechless.....what a heartbreaking post honey. Sid's right, you can survive this!

**Big Hugs** Please take care of yourself.