Friday, May 25, 2007

I don't know why I do the things I do

I made a frantic call to V yesterday.

"So you're going to leave me, aren't you? You're just going to walk away." (just like everybody else, I didn't add)

"No, I didn't say that...You're making things seem worse than they are."

And on and on it went.

My mind screaming about the dangers of getting myself into such situations and yet I couldn't stop myself.

Her voice was gentle, calming, reassuring, and all I wanted to do was strike where it would hurt the most. She never raised to the bait.

5 comments:

Suzanne said...

i)Well done for calling her, that's a major breakthrough - reaching out and asking for help. :-)

ii)What a cow refusing to join in your argument and take the bait! ;-)

nadcesca said...

I wish I knew how we could stop ourself! I wish I knew how not stay the hell away from those kind of situation. Fighting every single day is really hard but I since we don't really have any choice right now I guess we do have to try hard to stay focus on what's real or should be real in their normal life! hang in there.

sadgirl said...

Hi PB

You are feeling insecure and suspicious because you are depressed. What you need to ask yourself is what grounds do you have for your thoughts about yourself and others. You also need to ask yourself is it possible that you feel how you feel because of depression? This is what my pdoc told me to do. Hope it helps.

hugs
sadgirl xxx

MB said...

you reached out for someone to help, asking for help is hard to do, so firstly well done. Secondly, if she would have risen to the bait it would merely have served to exacerbate the situation....by staying calm I'm sure she wanted you to become calm too.

Take care of yourself.x

Polar Bear said...

Suzanne,
Thanks. Yes, calling her is a major thing for me. I always "suffer in silence", and my key worker and my therapist wants me to learn how to ask for help when things get out of control.

Nadcesca,
It is hard. Hope you are hanging in there too.

Sadgirl,
I think I do feel more insecure when I am feeling down. I'm trying to do "opposite action" which is a DBT skill. It means when I am depressed and I don't want to do anything but hide, I need to do the opposite thing and get out there and do something active to get out of the funk. It's hard to do, though.

MB,
By staying calm, my therapist did help me become more calm. I was looking to jump all over her, and she gave me no opportunity to "fuel the fire" as it was. She's a very good psychologist. I think about you sometimes when i think about her.

Polar B.