Thursday, May 31, 2007

Russian roulette

I got home and closed the garage door behind me by remote from within the car. I couldn't get out of the car. I sat there until the light switched itself off and left me in the darkness. I cried and cried, as if I could never stop. I could start the car again, open my window. It's a small insulated garage. How long would it take? Hours probably. I had a full tank of gas. Check.

Nothing loomed in my head as big as the issue at hand. I wanted to run away. And I could hear her voice saying "You don't have to do anything about it right now".

I could hear fragments of our conversation.

"And you think we are drifting?"

"I'll get rid of it. All of it. There. See, no more problem. So why do you still want to talk to THEM?"

"You think I am threatening you.... You'd probably find it hard to see it any differently."

"How else would I see this?"

"When? Tommorrow."

"Why are you so frightened?.... What is so wrong about me speaking to THEM?"


"I'm fine. I'm fine."

"See, you're saying you're fine when you are obviously not fine."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being such a mess..."

"That's alright. I don't mind."

"How are you going to take care of yourself tonight?"

"It doesn't matter."

"See, when you say it doesn't matter, it shuts down what the other person can say...."

"If there is an earthquake, wouldn't you prepare for it? Would you just not think about it?"

"You have no idea.... you have no idea.... "

I wanted to go into the house and down every last pill I have hoarded. 2 months' worth. 6-7 times over the lethal dose. Would that do it I wondered? Probably not. I've survived so many, I'm sure by the twisted hands of fate I would not die. I'd wake up again in the Intensive care unit with a tube down my throat, a machine breathing for me and the voices of nurses talking about me as if I were dead instead of waking from my deep coma. I'm not dead, I'm not dead, I want to scream and throw a tantrum. I'm fucking not dead, and I want to tear out the ventilator, pull off all the tubes attached to me, but I'd be weakened. I'd never have the energy to do that at the time. No. I won't let this happen again. They have no idea about the depth of despair I am in when I come to the realisation of my own cowardly act. Of failing.

I'd jump again, but this time from a taller building. I have access to a tall building where I work.

Maybe I'd use a rope. But I don't know how to tie a knot. No, too risky.

Jumping. That's probably the safest.

Those were the things on my mind.

Today the tears have dried. I feel detached, as if my body is not connected to my head. I see myself walking down the corridoor and I want to scream at her - hey, your hair is a mess, pull those pants up, and don't shuffle your feet as if you were some zombie, or simply too lazy to walk properly. I want to yell at this familiar yet strange person - lift your head up, look where you are going. She doesn't meet anyone's eyes, and no one looks into hers.

Today the tasks at work are piled as high as Mt Everest. It'd take so much fitness and energy to climb it. I don't have the fitness nor the energy right now. I've already puked twice. Frostbite will probably sink in and I'd lose a limb. I won't make it to the top, and my body will fall by the wayside. Not the first. Definately not the first. Casualties of the great Mt Everest.

The world has changed so drastically. In less than 20 hours the entire world has turned upside down and inside out. My mind is still floating in this fluid filled space, trying to find its lost body. I had to shove a muffin down my throat this morning because I haven't eaten since yesterday noon. Why do I still bother? Why?

I think I'll just leave. No one will notice, or care. Maybe I'd just go to sleep and when I wake up, I'd realise that this was all just a bad dream. Just a bad dream. Wouldn't that be nice?


Suzanne said...

Do you have any anti-psychotics to take? They'll pull you out within 30 minutes and keep you level until you can get back OK.

nadcesca said...

You are not alone. If you can't at least think of 5 names of person that really care about you then add mine. I'm thinking of you and I worry. I worry cause I understand your pain. I worry cause I'm to familiar with the state of "I'm not worthy, no one will miss me". Take a deep breath. Take a first step. Try and eat. When I don't eat the little voices and my body just overeacted and I'm depress. It doesn't help when you let your body get weak. Hope you are still there to read this. You will be in my thoughts all day. Sending positive energy and love. Hang in there! Nadcesca xx

Lisa said...

if you were meant to leave, you would have gone by now. Honey, its not your time and 7 times the lethal dose will do nothing if it is not the will of those higher than us.
What do you beleive ?
Do you beleive in a higher power ?
Why, why, do you see yourself as so worthless ?
I care- my name is Lisa and I care x
Ask for help.

MB said...

If you left, we'd care Polar. We'd miss you and worry.

Don't look at the tasks as one big mess, take it slow and a task at a time. Don't give up! We believe in you.

Sid said...

I know you feel alone in all this, but you're not. There are people that would notice and care if you left, myself included.

Please keep fighting. Please take care of you!

sadgirl said...

Oh dear PB. Suicide is a tragedy. If you die there is no opportunity to get better. There is something in all of us depressives that wants to live. You are such a caring and intelligent person. You can strive towards a better life. You are a survivor! Take it day by day. Just be unique and you.

I will think of you loads. Keep posting regularly. Perhaps all the people who respond, we can help you work it out.

love and hugs
sadgirl xxx

Lisa said...

i think she has gone

James said...

I too urge you to eat. I get really messed up when I don't eat regularly--even just a banana can do wonders. Have you been tested for hypoglycemia??

I know that this goes deeper then food though and I know that you are in a lot of pain. I have no gems of wisdom to pass on but I do have a hand to offer to hold.

I would miss you dearly. I am so proud of you for all that you have accomplished. You would leave a bigger hole then you might realize in your current state of mind.

Think of something that you enjoy--even something small and put all of your energy into that. That is what I do with my blogs. They are what keep me busy to help me from going into a bad place.

~*Rylah*~ said...

Still thinking of you Polar. Try to grab a branch and hang in there as best you can. Sending you love - because you ARE worth it.

MB said...

Getting very worried about you Polar, I hope you're ok.

butterflies said...

So now we just have to pray that God has you...where ever you are my sweet.
Thanks for the email.I know that its all too hard for you Hon and I understand.

sansanity said...

missing u.
praying 4 u.

it is odd to be on this side--saying all the things I hate for people to say to me when i am deep in the darkness. had trouble justifying how I could be so seemingly hypocritical. but still I am saying them; i see too much worth in you and all i know of you is your words. i don't think the world should lose that.

ok, tears getting in the way of being able to see the keys or i'd say more...

peace be with you wherever you are...


Dawn said...

just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you..... i hope you're ok.