V wants me to give up my stash. She finds it too frightening that I still have a lethal dose sitting around at home. I wanted to please her so desperately. I wanted to say yes, I will do it, and have her smile at me approvingly. But there is such a loud voice screaming at me not to do this. I don’t know what to do. I feel torn by the need to make this decision.
I told her just as our session was drawing to a close on Wednesday, that I will think about it, in fact I think I went further than that and said I would seriously consider it. I think I gave her too much hope that by the time our next session rolls around, I would have already gotten rid of it. But deep inside, I knew I couldn’t.
It’s no longer a safety thing, she said to me. You have more skills now than you ever did before, and if it wasn’t sitting around within easy reach, you’d get out that damn DBT folder and practice the skills.
She said “damn”. I would have smiled then. I don’t know how, but even in my deepest darkest moments, she can always make me smile. And through my tears of despair, she can always give me reason to try harder.
I told her that even if I got rid of it, I’d only go out and get some more. I’ve given it all up voluntarily in the past, and always, I get more.
Just as someone who is dieting shouldn’t keep chocolate around, just as an alcoholic shouldn’t have alcohol in the house, just as someone with credit card debt should cut up their cards...
It’s such a simple principle, how can I not understand it? I do understand, but, but nothing. I’m holding on to it as if it is a life raft when really, it is a ticking bomb.
My homework for the week is to go out and do one new activity that I would enjoy. The key words being “new” and "enjoy". Running doesn’t count, reading doesn’t count, watching Simpsons doesn’t count. But what else is there?