Friday, May 04, 2007

The stash

V wants me to give up my stash. She finds it too frightening that I still have a lethal dose sitting around at home. I wanted to please her so desperately. I wanted to say yes, I will do it, and have her smile at me approvingly. But there is such a loud voice screaming at me not to do this. I don’t know what to do. I feel torn by the need to make this decision.

I told her just as our session was drawing to a close on Wednesday, that I will think about it, in fact I think I went further than that and said I would seriously consider it. I think I gave her too much hope that by the time our next session rolls around, I would have already gotten rid of it. But deep inside, I knew I couldn’t.

It’s no longer a safety thing, she said to me. You have more skills now than you ever did before, and if it wasn’t sitting around within easy reach, you’d get out that damn DBT folder and practice the skills.

She said “damn”. I would have smiled then. I don’t know how, but even in my deepest darkest moments, she can always make me smile. And through my tears of despair, she can always give me reason to try harder.

I told her that even if I got rid of it, I’d only go out and get some more. I’ve given it all up voluntarily in the past, and always, I get more.

Just as someone who is dieting shouldn’t keep chocolate around, just as an alcoholic shouldn’t have alcohol in the house, just as someone with credit card debt should cut up their cards...

It’s such a simple principle, how can I not understand it? I do understand, but, but nothing. I’m holding on to it as if it is a life raft when really, it is a ticking bomb.

My homework for the week is to go out and do one new activity that I would enjoy. The key words being “new” and "enjoy". Running doesn’t count, reading doesn’t count, watching Simpsons doesn’t count. But what else is there?

8 comments:

Dawn said...

i think i can relate a lot to what you're saying here. there's a certain level of comfort in knowing it's accessible. i have a different kind of stash, but i know if i was asked to get rid of it, i'd just go get more as well.

i hope you're able to make the right decision for you. good luck :)

disso_k said...

Yeah, I think I may be able to relate too. I have a bit of a stash hidden away as well although I am not entirely certain of it's potency. I am also loathe to get rid of it even though it's been years now since I last called upon it. I dunno .. I guess it is a security thing, or maybe even a control thing for me (having the ultimate power etc).

I'm not sure what the answer is, although logic says to throw it away. Maybe some sort of little ritual is in order when you are ready to get rid of it ... to free yourself from its binds???? I dunno. Just a idea.

Whatever you decide ... best wishes.

Suzanne said...

You live in a country renowned throughout the world for it's extreme sports - something I think you'd REVEL in! Go out and grab something (and wear a safety helmet! ;-))

James said...

This I understand a lot. I have a pretty good stash as well and I think it's partly a control thing as Disso_K said.

I know that I'd have a hard time throwing mine away. Plus, I just like having a collection of pills. I like to collect things and why not my meds too?? I like to brag to my friends and family that I'm going open my own pharmacy. :)

I guess I'm not the best influence here as I wouldn't through mine out, huh? Oh well. There you have my opinion P.

Polar Bear said...

Dawn,
Thanks for commenting here. It feels good to know I'm not the only one.

Disso_K,
Yes, I think it is a control thing for me as well. I know that if I am losing it, I can always use that as a currency.

Suzanne,
Indeed, we are renowned for our extreme sports. I've gone abseiling down a 100meter sinkhole called The Lost World in Waitomo a few years back, and did black water rafting. It was so fun! I must plan something like that again sometime.

James,
Funny about your own pharmacy. In another city, my old case worker when she managed to get me to give up my stash, would say that I have enough meds for a small world country!

Thanks all, for your comments.
Polar B

Suzanne said...

Nothing makes me feel more alive than almost dying :-/. I mean that in a positive way - extreme skiing, horse riding & abseiling all make me feel so alive.

sadgirl said...

Dear Polar

I am sorry you feel the need to stash. I try to avoid keeping many potential harmful tablets around. When I have taken several overdoses years ago there were repercussions. I made myself quite ill and I worried people gigantically. However its your life and I cannot tell you what to do. In terms of a new hobby/distraction have you thought of anything completely different like art or crafts. I am a knitter and if I can get motivated I find it really calms me down.

I wish you all the best in your crisis. I hope you decide not to hurt yourself.

lots of love and hugs
sadgirl xxx

sansanity said...

yeah add me into the list of people who feel like a stash is a safety blankey. it's like a woobie for my soul. I can just imagine my inner child sucking her thumb and shaking a pill bottle to hear the sound of the rattle of pills.