I have moments of extreme clarity, when everything seems as clear as glass. That there is a definite separation between life and death. And that right now, I am living. Whereas BACK THEN, I wasn’t. Not really.
Does that make sense?
Yesterday I had a session with V – and we taped the session. I’ve had a chance to listen to it later and found it extremely helpful. There were bits and pieces, details that I missed sitting there being elsewhere. V had suggested the taping thing last week, and I’d agreed to it. Now I wonder – why didn’t we think of this before? Never mind – the important thing is that we did it, and it was helpful. I learnt some things from listening to it again. Something about the interaction, something about the lessons V would have been trying to pass on to me. Valuable information when you are as lost as I am in the great chaos of borderline-ness (I know that’s not really a word – but it’s my blog and I can do what I want).
I’ve been existing in that period between night and day break – that 4am awakening, ever since I was in the hospital. While in hospital, it was frustrating because I couldn’t get back to sleep and there was nothing to do, so I’d pace the hallways, and when in the HNU, I asked for hot drinks even though I didn’t really want it. It was something to occupy the mind, something to do, in such a low stimulus situation. Those professionals may think that low stimulus is a good thing for people who are psychotic, but I beg to differ. I can’t even begin to describe that loneliness of segregation, that frantic panic of being all alone and forgotten about.
I had a dream about dying again. There was this huge glass bottle, kind of like the water cooler bottles you find at offices, but this one was made of glass. It was falling from the sky. People were saying “watch out!!” and trying to duck for cover. The bottle hit the ground and shards of glass went everywhere, some hitting me on my arm, my face, my groin, my legs, and I started to bleed and bleed and literally felt the life draining out of me. And I awoke. It was 4am.