Thursday, June 14, 2007


I have moments of extreme clarity, when everything seems as clear as glass. That there is a definite separation between life and death. And that right now, I am living. Whereas BACK THEN, I wasn’t. Not really.

Does that make sense?

Yesterday I had a session with V – and we taped the session. I’ve had a chance to listen to it later and found it extremely helpful. There were bits and pieces, details that I missed sitting there being elsewhere. V had suggested the taping thing last week, and I’d agreed to it. Now I wonder – why didn’t we think of this before? Never mind – the important thing is that we did it, and it was helpful. I learnt some things from listening to it again. Something about the interaction, something about the lessons V would have been trying to pass on to me. Valuable information when you are as lost as I am in the great chaos of borderline-ness (I know that’s not really a word – but it’s my blog and I can do what I want).

I’ve been existing in that period between night and day break – that 4am awakening, ever since I was in the hospital. While in hospital, it was frustrating because I couldn’t get back to sleep and there was nothing to do, so I’d pace the hallways, and when in the HNU, I asked for hot drinks even though I didn’t really want it. It was something to occupy the mind, something to do, in such a low stimulus situation. Those professionals may think that low stimulus is a good thing for people who are psychotic, but I beg to differ. I can’t even begin to describe that loneliness of segregation, that frantic panic of being all alone and forgotten about.

I had a dream about dying again. There was this huge glass bottle, kind of like the water cooler bottles you find at offices, but this one was made of glass. It was falling from the sky. People were saying “watch out!!” and trying to duck for cover. The bottle hit the ground and shards of glass went everywhere, some hitting me on my arm, my face, my groin, my legs, and I started to bleed and bleed and literally felt the life draining out of me. And I awoke. It was 4am.


Okgenuine said...


~*Rylah*~ said...

Borderline-ness certainly is a word. Well, it SHOULD be...

I'm glad things are getting a little clearer, Polar, even if they are only moments. That's what I live for, those moments where everything becomes crystal clear and you understand..... I just wished they lasted longer! And like a dream, I can't seem to remember what was so clear, afterwards.

Dreams of death can symbolize letting go, endings, and new beginnings - maybe this is a positive message for you? I hope so.

Take care.

sansanity said...

yeah i always love the snap back after hitting rock bottom. wish i could have that clarity without bouncing off the bottom of hell though...

sadgirl said...

Hope you are doing a bit better PB.
I have nominated you for a Thinking Blogger Award. All you have to do is see my post on it. Click the link and it tells you what to do.

Thinking of you
sadgirl xxx

MB said...

I was so relieved when I got back from work tonight to know you were ok.My new job means I dont get to much time to go online anymore so the last post I read was the 31st! Glad you are ok hun.

Take care of yourself,

MB x

Suzanne said...

My sessions are taped, sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't. I'm always thrown by how much I missed at the time becuase the message just didn't get through. Sometimes I'm horrified by the things I've said - and how my voice can change to that of a child.

Totally understand the clarity thing - one day total clarity and calm, the next day bees buzzing in my head.

marie said...

Glad you know that you are thinking clealy these days. That is a MAJOR victory for people with mental illness. It seems that you are making some progress in therapy which can only be a good thing.

I agree with rylah about the death dreams being a sign of letting go. I am trying to let go of something but I am having a hard time with it.

Please take care and continue to make strides in therapy.