Friday, June 22, 2007

Open season for the black dogs

I'm heading down to Capital City on Monday for a 3 day conference. In some ways, I am looking forward to the break in work routine. I'll only be back at my desk on Thursday, and before I know it, another weekend will arrive. I see V on Friday next week.

It's a good place to be. Except, of course, going down to Capital City never fails to bring up all the memories from THAT incident. Even though I have now lived here longer than I ever did in Capital City, the past has a way of reaching back with all its twisted claws and chomping down on me with its ugly and hideous serrated jaw.

I'm resigned to the low level anxiety I've been experiencing this week at the thought of going down there. V and I discussed it too at session on Wednesday. V thinks that exposure to places I have intentionally avoided will lessen the anxiety over time. It makes sense.

I used to avoid certain places, take the long way round to avoid certain areas, even to the point of restricting my movement around the city just so I lessen the risk of running into people from my past life.

But I do have to say that the initial first and second years after THAT incident were really tough. It's getting better now because at least I can say that life here has been so much better for me ever since I moved away from Capital City. Everything that I ever regretted can't be said to haunt me as deeply as they used to. The power has lessened with time, its grip is weakening, even if it still stirs up some pain. Even if it still chomps down on me unexpectedly from moment to moment. It's simply a part of the legacy.

I plan to sneak away for sushi. I plan to go book shopping at my favourite used book store. I'll attend the evening event and share a couple of drinks, maybe even see if I can get more than my share of 2 free drinks.

I hope it will be a good trip despite the promise that the black dogs will emerge at some point and hunt for me.


Suzanne said...

You'll be OK hon, because when I read your words I see that you've processed the whole thing and you're dealing with it logically.

The sushi sounds good though - asian food can be very hit and miss here although apparently Dusseldorf is the place to go for japanese as there's an enormous japanese population there.


sadgirl said...


Hope your time away goes as well as it can. Keep holding on. I know how terrible anxiety is so I hope you manage to work on yours.

all the best
sadgirl x

MB said...

oooo Sushi! I love that stuff! I hope your time away is relaxing and fun.

Take care of yourself

MB x

disso_k said...

I hope you escape those rotten black dogs while away, PB. Enjoy the sushi, book shopping and extra drinks! See you when you get back.

butterflies said...

Eating sushi sounds good.
I will shoot all the black dogs for yu and solve that problem.
Love ya sweetie.Have some fun and forget the demons.

nadcesca said...

Ark... I'm late seeing this post as usual. I wish I could have visit our site over the weekend. I agree with V. But I also know to well how hard it is to visit place that have bad memories linked to them. I always cheat. I pick the run away and hide solution to often. I have problem confronting my fear.

Hope your stay in the Capital city will be smooth and positive. Wishing a great time

Thinking of you

marie said...

Have a good time on your trip. I know it is work related but do all of thoes things the shopping ect.

Getting away sometimes is a good thing.