Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Purging / Winter has arrived

Typical. How borderline. I overreacted and ended up with a psychotic episode. I don't remember much, vague images of my key worker in my house trying to get me to go along with her to the hospital. I was counting stories - to see how high I could go to jump off the edge. I don't even know where.

I spent 11 days in hospital, about 3-4 days in the High Needs Unit which was terrifying for me. It was exactly like prison. Shatter proof windows and iron clad doors - who knows what they were made of, but it hurt bad when I ran myself against it over and over and over again. I had big bruises on both my elbows, my knees, and my head was tender for days after. I was so panic striken the voices came back. I felt abandoned, lost. I felt like I was the only person left in the world and that everyone had departed on a space jet, leaving me behind as a "test" experiment for the aliens who would invade the world soon after everyone else had left.

There was so much I don't want to remember, ever. But in spite of all I've said so far, there were some nurses who were caring, genuinely. My key worker visited me and that helped ground me some.

I called V to ask for help in getting out of the High Needs Unit. She spoke to the pdoc whom I dislike. Everything turned out alright when they ran out of beds in the HNU anyway, so that meant I got shifted out again. Because amongst the most insane, I was the most sane.

It wasn't pleasant, the entire experience, but I joined a couple of craft workshops and created a set of three decorative pieces with Mod Podge (hopefully photos tomorrow). I paced a lot, soaked in the smell of chain smoking patients, watched TV blankly, and paced some more. I had a book with me, but couldn't read it. There were moments the medication made me feel so edgy I couldn't sit still for more than 30 seconds.

I ordered food, got to pick my own menu, sometimes asking for more even though I didn't feel like eating. I left much on my plate. I missed running. I missed my bed. It was tough. But here I am now. Out. Out, and dealing with the pieces after a shattering experience.

It's way too cold outside to run today, so I've signed up for the RPM/Spin class. I'm gonna ride like hell.

7 comments:

~*Rylah*~ said...

I'm so glad you are ok now Polar. I was really worried about you!

I know how horrible it is to be in the High Needs Unit, although here they are called "locked wards" but they are the same thing. Awful for you.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Jacqui xXx

sansanity said...

First: I am so glad you are ok.
Second: I think I am going to get a statuette made at a trophy store that says "most sane of the insane" and put it on a shelf or maybe a blue ribbon I can wear to work.
I'm not making light of your hell; I am just so relieved right now.

disso_k said...

Welcome home, Polar. I'm so glad that you are back.

Suzanne said...

I'm so glad you're with us - somewhere deep down I knew you hadn't gone. :-) *hugs*

I too have been called the most sane amongst the insane *beams* - something to be proud of eh? ;-)

Take care honey, great to have you back with us!

sadgirl said...

Hi PB

Glad you are ok. I know what psychiatric hospital is like. Poor you. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

love and hugs
sadgirl
x

Dee said...

So glad you are back. I was a bit worried too when I hadn't received any updates to my feed reader.

James said...

I felt abandoned, lost. I felt like I was the only person left in the world and that everyone had departed on a space jet, leaving me behind as a "test" experiment for the aliens who would invade the world soon after everyone else had left.

This is all to similar to stuff that goes through my mind. I'm pleased that you are o.k. and home again.