Thursday, July 05, 2007

Crush

I've been good. I've been trying hard. I've been working hard in therapy and trying to focus more, trying to concentrate during session even though we are now taping the sessions and I can listen to them over and over again. I've been taking my meds, keeping away from things that take me down. Even V mentioned yesterday that she can already see small changes in me ("changes" - now that's another big scary word which I'm struggling to grapple with).

But now I feel my resolve starting to fall apart. Pulled apart probably by V's announcement yesterday that she'd be away for a week in a couple of weeks. A week! It was such a small thing, but in a way it shattered the fragile world I was fighting so hard to keep together.

Now I want to reach back into the oblivion and hide in the darkness because I felt the sting of a cold hard slap yesterday. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. I want to shut her out because that stung, and that came out of nowhere. After being so open and honest and "good", I feel that cold hard slap more deeply than ever.

People will disappear from time to time, that's just the way things go. It's only a week. Why does it feel like abandonment?

6 comments:

KansasSunflower said...

Polar - your blog says you posted this on the 5th, yet it's only the 4th? You must live somewhere far from me!!

I felt that way when my fiance began traveling - that he was abandoning me, totally. But...in a way, it's made me stronger and shown me that I can be on my own, take care of myself, etc., where I didn't even know that before then.

She's not abandoning you...she'll be back - you'll be sad at first and things will seem strange and ALONE, but by the end of the week, you might actually enjoy that you can watch what you want on television! :-)

What's tough is when they come back...letting the guard that's gone up come back down....

Suzanne said...

I can totally understand - last week G told me he'll be on holiday for 2 weeks at the end of August... I don't like it. I get to see his colleague and I can still call his mobile if I need to (you know of course I never will).

But I'm thrilled to hear you're doing so well and that V is seeing good changes in you! We'll beat this damned thing!

sadgirl said...

Hi PB

Perhaps you fear the abandonment because it is one of your worst fears and in depression we imagine the worst. V may go but she'll be back. You have an emotional connection to V, so going away from you hurts. I suggest you explain your anxiety to V and ask her to confirm she is coming back. Then write it down and when she is away you can refer to this note to give you security. Just an idea.

TTFN
sad x

nadcesca said...

You are anxious Polar. You are terrified at the thought of being alone. You have the right to be. But you also have to remember that you are not alone anymore. With V going for a week, you still have your blog, your still have us. There is no more of Polar being all by herself. We are just a click away, an email away... Let the feeling come up and maybe this is a good time to confront it then like sadgirl said, you can discuss about it with V. blog about it, we are hear to listen (well actually read you) and help you. Hang in there! xx

~*Rylah*~ said...

God, I can so relate, Polar! Please just know that it's really normal for us to feel this way. Abandonment is such a sensitive issue for so many, and I think you'll find alot of people feel this way, probably more than you think. That's what I've found anyway. My advice would be to start planning stuff now, so that you are incredibly busy for the week V is away, that's all I can think of. And maybe write down a list of 'back ups' - people you can call or visit if you're doing it tough. Have an action plan, or crisis plan. I dunno, I hope this helps.
Jacqui xXx

Sid said...

I think Jacqui's idea to plan a bunch of stuff to keep you busy the week V will be gone is an excellent one.

The other ideas are good as well. It's important to remind yourself that:

...she will be back
...she always does come back
...she isn't leaving you permanently
...she isn't going away to punish you
...she isn't abandoning you

I've found that repeating these phrases over and over helps aleviate the anxiety of a T or pdoc taking time off.

You can make it through this one week.