I've been good. I've been trying hard. I've been working hard in therapy and trying to focus more, trying to concentrate during session even though we are now taping the sessions and I can listen to them over and over again. I've been taking my meds, keeping away from things that take me down. Even V mentioned yesterday that she can already see small changes in me ("changes" - now that's another big scary word which I'm struggling to grapple with).
But now I feel my resolve starting to fall apart. Pulled apart probably by V's announcement yesterday that she'd be away for a week in a couple of weeks. A week! It was such a small thing, but in a way it shattered the fragile world I was fighting so hard to keep together.
Now I want to reach back into the oblivion and hide in the darkness because I felt the sting of a cold hard slap yesterday. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. I want to shut her out because that stung, and that came out of nowhere. After being so open and honest and "good", I feel that cold hard slap more deeply than ever.
People will disappear from time to time, that's just the way things go. It's only a week. Why does it feel like abandonment?