Friday, July 20, 2007

I hate you but please care about me

I'll just say it. It's been a rough week because of the conflict with V. It's been over a week now since our last session, a session I've been trying hard to just put out of my mind because of the threat that V posed at me. I was incredibly hurt and angry. It even prompted me to send her an email - something I have never done before because she hasn't ever given me her email address (I figured out what it was by the username protocol used by the hospital, and the rest was easy to figure out). I hadn't expected an answer, but she did email me back at the end of that same day, saying that she normally does not communicate with clients over email as it was not a safe method of communication. It felt like a slap to my face, some sort of telling off, like a teacher to a kindergaterner - don't ever do that again or I'll send you to the corner. So I quickly filed the email away so it was no longer in my inbox, not quite able to delete it because it was from her, and not quite able to tolerate having that in my inbox.

I'm such a moron.

I already regretted sending the email as soon as I hit the send button. I shouldn't have mentioned how it hurt me, I shouldn't have mentioned how mad I was at her. Like a three year old shrieking loudly after being smacked for bad behaviour.

Over the week I talked to my keyworker about quitting therapy. Don't be so hasty, they tell me. Maybe take vacation from therapy, but don't quit. I was petulant. No, if I want to quit, I want a clean cut off. Maximise damage - that was what I really wanted. Petulant child, throwing all her toys out of the cot. Attend to me, or I'll really make you pay for it. How borderline is that?

I'll admit, my anger has subsided this week. I didn't suffer in agony during the time I was supposed to see her this week. Instead I left work as usual and took the car to get a new warrant of fitness and to AA to renew my membership. I filled that time period with things I needed to get done anyway, rather than sitting around moping over the fact that V was off somewhere during OUR TIME, not being with me. I highly recommend this.

So yes, I'm not angry anymore. At least not angry the way I was the week before. I've reached the "zone". The "zone" is where I no longer care or have deep feelings of warmth and security. I can take it or leave it. V is not longer on a pedestal. V is the "baddie", no longer the "goodie". I can draw up all my hatred and rage and direct it at her. It is a much safer feeling. I am no longer vulnerable to what she may say or do.

I'm sure my feelings will shift again, depending on how V handles our next session.

In the meantime, the emptiness in my heart and soul is all I've got to keep me company.

5 comments:

Karen said...

Hey I totally hear you. I too am very sensitive to being "told off" and feeling like a small child. I think your honesty about how you feel is courageous.

I read something on another blog recently which has really helped me understand how I change people from "goodie" to "badie" and wondered if it might help you to read it. The difficulty can be reading it and not thinking - oh this makes me a really bad person. Someone once said to me: NONE of this makes you a bad person, just a broken person with unhealthy aspects. This is LEARNT behaviour, not intrinsic badness.
http://thememoryartist.wordpress.com/

nadcesca said...

just the fact that you write about your feeling and about your behavior is a urge step into recovery. It also means that you are not closing your eyes anymore and that you are slowly moving out of your comfort zone. Just take it easy a baby step at a time, hug xx

MB said...

Venting on here probably helps. I hate people "telling me off", makes me feel like they believe they are better than me. There is a lass at work thats been acting in such a way, and now cant comprehend why I dont respect her the same way I respect the others.

sadgirl said...

Hi PB

Sorry things are tough. I get into the "goodie" then "baddie" with my pdoc and psychotherapist. I agree with the person who said don't quit the therapy. even if this therapist angers you sometimes you can work through those feelings. IMHO its better to have somebody instead of nobody to analyse your thoughts and feelings with. Regular therapy may just defuse things. I dare not give in therapy as I am sure without it my life would spiral out of control. Just keep going PB, little by little.

all the best
love sad x

KansasSunflower said...

Polar -

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time being away from V. Don't cut off your therapy because she's been out a week - I think you'll regret it. Keeping busy was very smart, I'm trying to do the same thing myself.

*big hugs, Polar* I hope you start feeling better VERY SOON! I hate that you're in so much pain!