Monday, July 16, 2007


It was a rough week last week and things didn't improve over the weekend. I feel as though I am sitting on the edge of a deep chasm, contemplating my next move. Should I jump? Or do I stay here with the turmoil in my head?

Every issue is tinged with a bleakness and a desolation I have not known in a long time. The betrayal gnaws at me relentlessly even though I know I am the one to blame.

There are truly black moments, moments that seem to come in crashing waves where I feel as if I am drowning and gasping for breath and all the flailing about is not getting me anywhere, only pulled deeper and deeper into the thickening water. There is no escape. I hold my breath for as long as I can and I try not to think about death.

I'm scared. I'm really really scared.


sadgirl said...


I found your post powerful. If you are lost you can be found or find yourself. Imagine the feelings like a wave; eventually it breaks and hits the shore, so just let them flow. You don't have to act on them. If obsessional thinking is part of it; disrupt the thoughts by doing something (anything) or just going out to be amongst people or nature. Can you go for a run to get those endorphins flowing?

Hope your day gets better.

thinking of you
sad x

nadcesca said...

I agree with sad, let the feeling come. You have to feel in order to let them go. Cry, yell, hit in a pillow do whatever you have to do. But you have to let the sadness, the fear, the hurt, the pain, the madness that is taking over out of you, out of your body, out of your head. I'm sure that will help you. Then treat you with something that you like: ice cream, hot bath, fast food, whatever make you feel good. I always feel trap, powerless when I'm keeping my feeling inside.

And a run always tired me out and make me feel better. Try it! HUGS

MB said...

Sorry you're feeling crappy hun, ((((((((hugs))))))))

Running is a good way of taking your mind off problems and wearing yourself out.

Okgenuine said...

I think you are blaming yourself way too much. These paradoxes we get in are not caused by us. They come from an evil source. I've started calling it 'black energy' that gets into my body and mind and tries to take over but it can only do it temporarily. Try calling it 'the beast' or something that helps you fight it. Then when you do feel ok, go to the park or something equivalent for you that will keep the ok feeling going as long as possible. Hang in there.

James said...

I hope that you find yourself in a safe place soon. Try to grab onto some sort of "rock" while being dashed around by those waves of fear.

Perhaps that "rock" can be us. I am in a good place right now so lean on me. I know that you can get through this but you do not have to do it alone and I hope that you do not try.

Not a one of us can do much of anything alone. You are a stronger person then you realize I think. Through your writing I can feel your strength. Hold strong and firm.

KansasSunflower said...

Hey Polar...

I hope you start feeling better soon. This is temporary, please keep remembering it DOES gets better, okay? Don't lose hope, that's all we have!

Sid said...

I hope things improve as the week progresses. Hang in there, you can make it past these feelings.

Big hugs.

sansanity said...

As i drifted to sleep I was thinking of your words and they triggered a memory for me.

in college i had to take swimming . I am terrified of deep water. (deep to me is 5 feet as I am only 5ft 4 inches).

I had struggled with treading water--i would end up going under in about 3 minutes. so the instructor taught us the "survival float." I would jokingly call it the suicide float. But the purpose was not to rescue yourself by getting to land, but simply to survive. you simply floated in the water bent at the waist so that your legs were pointing towards the bottom and your upper body was hovering at the top. and then you just lie there. the only action you were allowed was to lift your head to take a breath. all you had to do was the bare minimum.

just float PB. concentrate on blowing bubbles and taking in air and nothing more.