Running has been going well. On a good week, I’m running 5 times a week. Rain or shine, cold or windy. I’ve had to run in the rain a few times now, and I no longer care about looking like an idiot.
Work is OK. They moved me again, into a smaller office, but I no longer have to share, which is nice. I have a door which I can close. I have a bit of a view.
I noticed the other day that I haven’t recently gone into the job postings sites. It’s a good sign. Maybe even a sign that I am content where I am. In the last 7 years, I have had as many jobs. I want to accumulate my mileage here and stay past the 2 year mark which is as long as I have ever stayed at a job.
Therapy and V
This is as difficult to say as it was difficult for me to listen to the tape of the session prior to V being away for a week. But yes, I listened to the tape – the one I will bring in with me tomorrow for V to listen to. I had initially refused to listen to it as it was a tough session for me and I didn’t want it to set me off. But I listened to it over the weekend because V had extended herself and agreed to listen to it with such an open mind. I thought that the least I could do was do my part.
It was painful to listen to it – hearing myself made me cringe. I was pathetic.
But V was right. I was highly dysregulated and was in “emotion mind” throughout the session. V mentioned some things which I found hard to accept, but she didn’t brandish her words like a sword, like I thought she did. She stated clearly what her limits were, and I interpreted it as rejection. My knee jerk reaction had been to accuse her of threatening me. I was hostile and looking to pick a fight, she simply refused to be drawn in.
Whether or not I said something which is the source of our disagreement last week, remains unclear, as the tape did not pick up my voice very well.
At this point, I’m not sure if I want to pursue this argument much further. I’m ashamed of the way I reacted during that session. I was so blinded by my emotions, so torn apart with rage and hurt, I couldn’t see anything past them. This whole fear of abandonment thing is such an insurmountable problem for me. It’s also such an old old problem. I’m sick to death of the way I spiral so out of control. I’m so sick of the neediness and clinginess.
I don’t really want V to listen to the tape anymore. And I don't know if I should just tell her about my revelation (and place myself back in a vulnerable position), or if I should still keep her at a distance and insist that she had reacted too harshly (and place myself at a safer place with this barrier between us).