Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Today in headlines

Running has been going well. On a good week, I’m running 5 times a week. Rain or shine, cold or windy. I’ve had to run in the rain a few times now, and I no longer care about looking like an idiot.

Work is OK. They moved me again, into a smaller office, but I no longer have to share, which is nice. I have a door which I can close. I have a bit of a view.

I noticed the other day that I haven’t recently gone into the job postings sites. It’s a good sign. Maybe even a sign that I am content where I am. In the last 7 years, I have had as many jobs. I want to accumulate my mileage here and stay past the 2 year mark which is as long as I have ever stayed at a job.

Therapy and V
This is as difficult to say as it was difficult for me to listen to the tape of the session prior to V being away for a week. But yes, I listened to the tape – the one I will bring in with me tomorrow for V to listen to. I had initially refused to listen to it as it was a tough session for me and I didn’t want it to set me off. But I listened to it over the weekend because V had extended herself and agreed to listen to it with such an open mind. I thought that the least I could do was do my part.

It was painful to listen to it – hearing myself made me cringe. I was pathetic.

But V was right. I was highly dysregulated and was in “emotion mind” throughout the session. V mentioned some things which I found hard to accept, but she didn’t brandish her words like a sword, like I thought she did. She stated clearly what her limits were, and I interpreted it as rejection. My knee jerk reaction had been to accuse her of threatening me. I was hostile and looking to pick a fight, she simply refused to be drawn in.

Whether or not I said something which is the source of our disagreement last week, remains unclear, as the tape did not pick up my voice very well.

At this point, I’m not sure if I want to pursue this argument much further. I’m ashamed of the way I reacted during that session. I was so blinded by my emotions, so torn apart with rage and hurt, I couldn’t see anything past them. This whole fear of abandonment thing is such an insurmountable problem for me. It’s also such an old old problem. I’m sick to death of the way I spiral so out of control. I’m so sick of the neediness and clinginess.

I don’t really want V to listen to the tape anymore. And I don't know if I should just tell her about my revelation (and place myself back in a vulnerable position), or if I should still keep her at a distance and insist that she had reacted too harshly (and place myself at a safer place with this barrier between us).


Marie said...

It seems things are getting a little bit better for you. I am glad you are trying to stay positive.

nadcesca said...

Polar I'm so glad that you are taking care of yourself. It is good that you run 5 times a week. Do you find any difference in your mood? and what about stress? I'm asking cause I do! That is a great thing that you got the chance to listen and analyze yourself. I know how hard it is to do so. It is a hard way to learn about ourself, you need to do this in order to change for the better.

If you are serious about getting better, I would talk to V about what you have realize. Think about it like a growing adult admiting her wrong and saying sorry. You are not putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You are just admiting what you see and what you need to change, modifie in yourself.

Hang in there, you did a lot more progress that you think. Keep the good work. Hug and kisses!

disso_k said...

I so understand the knee jerk reaction thing in regards to therapy/therapists. I had one of those myself after my last pdoc appointment ... the whole abandonment issue thing. Best of luck with your upcoming appointments with V. I hope you get it sorted out.

Oh, and yay to your new office. I bet it is nice not having to share and having your very own space.

MB said...

Things seem to coming together for you Polar, thats good to hear! Keep positive!

KansasSunflower said...

Polar Bear - Congrats on the running! For me, running is really hard for some reason. And I'm jealous of your office, but you deserve it! :-)

As for the tape, it sounds like you've gotten out of it what you needed to get. However...listening to it together could be very therapeutic - you could see it through her eyes as well and perhaps gain a new perspective? The last thing you need is to feel more vulnerable,though - but she's your therapist! Shouldn't she be keeping you from feeling that way?

butterflies said...

Glad to hear that youre back running again.The post is nice and positive and makes me relieved.
Throw the tape away!! Once you have stated out loud your problems,they have gone...into the wind.