Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Roller coasters, cats and familiar strangers

I'm on a roller coaster ride at the moment. I've been up and down and just about all over the place.

I've sorted a few issues out, but some things still weigh heavily on my mind. A couple of weeks ago, my key worker (case manager) who has been working with me for 3 years transferred me over to someone else because of workload issues. It was all handled really well, so the negative fall out from it was not huge, even though I was not too terribly happy with it. I'm still getting to know my new case manager. The good thing is that she suggested getting me some anti anxiety medication (on a as need basis) to help with my anxiety and she was successful in getting the pdoc to sign for it whereas my old case manager was never able to get me anti anxiety meds. She seems rather pro active and interested (in me), which are pluses, I guess.

I went to watch Cats the musical over the weekend. It was pretty good. During intermission, the cats came around the audience floor and one got close enough to me for me to yank its tail. I was curious as to whether they came off easily (it didn't). In fact, that tail was really well adhered to its, um..., butt.

Over the weekend I also got this call from a woman I met when I was last in hospital back in June. It was weird, because I don't remember giving her my phone number and address (I'm usually so careful about my privacy), but apparently I must have. She sounded vaguely familiar as we talked, but I couldn't figure out what she was calling me for. She said we should get together for a coffee sometime. Um...OK. I don't even get together for coffee with people I KNOW, I don't know if I want to get together with this person I don't know. I think I must have asked her at one point why she was calling me, because she said that when she met me, she thought I was the kindest, most gentle person she'd ever met. OK, she probably meant drugged and doped out of my mind to the extent of appearing passive and meek as a lamb. She herself must have been on a cocktail of meds so I understand she couldn't have known the difference.

Anyway - it's really disconcerting when I do things I can't remember later on (like giving a complete stranger I meet at a psycho ward my phone and address details). But some things are simply black holes in my mind, thanks to the extreme stress of being ill and the endless cocktail of psychotropic drugs. It feels as though they are killing off parts of my brain in order to make some other parts work better. The trouble is, it's not always "better".


Suzanne said...

Great news about the meds!

Is it really beyond the realms of possibility that you really are a sweet & gentle* person whom others want to get to know better?

*I do realise this totally contradicts the fact that you cruelly tried to pull the tail off a dancer dressed as a cat! ;->

~*Rylah*~ said...

I can totally relate, Polar... my memory is cactus too. I think it's a combination of stress, medication, numbness, dissociation, etc.

I've started a few tentative friendships with people I've met in hospital, but none of them really go the distance... it's like we lose whatever it was we had in common at the time of crisis. Add to that so many people just get better, and I don't.... ;)

Good on you for pulling the cats dancer's tail - I would be way too shy to do that! You're my hero... LOL! :D

James said...

I can relate too. People say I'm friendly (and I am) but I'm not able to spend time with people. It sucks. I always break plans but I just can't handle the stimuli. I hate letting people down. :(

Anna said...

How I can relate.

sadgirl said...


I agree with you as i am on stacks of drugs and things are largely not better for me most of the time. All we can do is keep plodding along. I am sorry about your anxiety and hope it reduces. I understand because I suffer terribly with it. To help me with it I just got a book about mindfulness and depression. So far it looks the best book I have read on depression and i have read tonnes.

best wishes
sad xxx

BipolarPrincess said...

The first time I was in the hospital, there were only four patients, so we all got extremely close, to the point that it was hard to participate in groups because we had already talked about everything 24/7 out of group! I even went back to vist because I was the first one out.

Then one of the other patients called and left a message when she was discharged...I panicked, I don't know why. I never called her. I still feel bad, seven years later but it was hard enough to get accustomed to life after discharge, let alone holding on to the experience.

Marie said...

I hope the transition is a smooth one with your new case worker. She sounds good if she is helping you with the transition.

KansasSunflower said...

I'm glad you've got a great new case worker! It sounds like you've needed anti-anxiety medication.

I tried to be friends with a girl I met in the psych ward, and she totally flaked on me. She was cheating on her husband, and when I found out she was doing it again out of the psych ward, I tried to help her (keep her from doing it), and it was the last time I heard from her. I was only trying to help and be supportive...

Maybe meeting this person from the psych ward wouldn't be so bad? Obviously she felt some connection to you, even if you don't remember it. I'm like you - I don't even have coffee with people I DO know! But to have someone who "understands and GETS it", well...that's invaluable, you know? Unless she wants to share HER problems with you, which you ABSOLUTELY do not need right now.