Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Back in the looney bin

My mind was channel surfing, from one thing to another. Flicking from one image to another, one thought to three, maybe four, all at once. I was so sure they were out to get me. I would have huddled in my closet, in that darkness. But there was no safety, not there, not anywhere.

By the time I showed up for my regular appointment with V, I was a blubbering mess. I forgot my shoes. It happened to be a cold blustery day. And I think for the first time ever, I was late. She came out to the waiting room almost immediately.

Where are your shoes? she asked.

I didn't know. I hadn't noticed, except that I was cold and I couldn't keep my hands from the shakes.

I sat with V for a while in her office, sure that I was about to die. But it would have been a good place to die.

V insisted that I see the psychiatrist on duty. I didn't want to, but relented in the end. The psychiatrist wanted to admit me to the ward. I didn't want to, but relented in the end. I thought maybe it was all one big plot to get me cornered in a place I couldn't physically escape from. But V's presence helped eased a bit of that fear. She played the "trust card" (how long have you known me?). And she saw me to the ward, even made sure that they kept a meal tray for my dinner.

It wasn't a long admission, fortunately. I got out as soon as I could. I'm drugged up, almost back to sanity. My pdoc gave me a week's medical leave, but I negotiated to return to work half days for this whole week. I need the time off work, yes, but I also need to get some work done otherwise things will just be piling up throughout the week and I'd have to face it all when I return.

Half days at work is manageable. I'm coping. I'll be alright. Eventually.


MB said...

Oh dear hunni! ((((((Hugs))))))

Though you have someone you can trust in V. I hope things are getting better for you, there's only one way to go after hitting rock bottom -Up!!!

Suzanne said...

Good to have you back again. xx

James said...


Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that you've been bombarded with the voices. I know how scary they can be (shivers). And I know how had it can be to trust doctors when you're in that state but I'm happy that you did. Very happy.

I'm glad that the meds and hospital stay seemed to have helped. You are a survivor!! I'm proud of you for sticking with fighting for stability on a daily basis. It's a tough fight we battle but together, united, WE WIN!!! :)

Sid said...

However you got there, I'm glad you made it to V's office, even if it was without shoes. Glad you got the help you needed, when you needed it, before you did something to harm yourself.

I've seen how hard you've struggled over the years, but you're still here. You are a fighter. Something in you isn't willing to give up or give in. Keep fighting.

Mamabeek said...

So glad you back on this side of those walls and that it wasn't a prolonged stay. And by the way, good to meet you!

I'll go back and read more here in time, to get to know you better. Until then, thank you for the comment in my blog and keep on keeping on.

Best wishes.

Nightscent said...

It is true. There is something deep inside of you that will never let go.

sansanity said...

i don't know if it's my recent partial hospitalization or my meds or my illness but my brain took the post totally different.

i read and got up and was whopping and dancing and yelling "yeah PB! way to go"

all my brain stripped from the post was that while on the downward descent being chased by the demon, injured, the hero - PB, summoning all the last bits of strength, made it to safety, thus foiling the evil demons plans once again.

Marie said...

PB-Thanks for the comment on my latest post. I am sorry to read you are back in the hospital. I hope you feel better soon. Don't listen to the voices, change the tapes.

butterflies said...

Good to know your ok Hon.
Im always thinking about you.
Youre a survivor!

Aqua said...

Polar Bear,
I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. Know that I'm thinking of you and hope you are feeling better soon. Take care.

KansasSunflower said...


I'm SO SORRY!!! You forgot your shoes? REALLY?

It sounds like you DID need to be seriously medicated at that moment. V made a great decision by playing the "trust card", don't you think?

I hope you start feeling better!!! My heart goes out to you.....