Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Back then and now

That was a long time ago. But I'm still sad. Sad that my life back then was so painful, so filled with desolation and lack of hope.

I've turned a corner, though, I think. Despite the countless hospitalizations, despite all the self harm and suicide attempts, I think I turned a corner when I arrived here in NZ and was given another chance at life. Oh there were a couple of times when I screwed up, I really did and almost lost everything again. But I forgive myself. I forgive myself because the pain will always be there, burning behind my every step. I've earned it, and it is mine. With it, I can compare it to the many good things that I still have today. My health (physical), my running, my home, my memories of coming face to face with a couple of polar bears.

2 comments:

sadgirl said...

Hi PB

Glad overall that things seem on the up. Don't give yourself a hard time for the past. You did your best at the time. Have you always loved polar bears? Perhaps you will see some again some time. I am away for a few days now with my hubbie. Catch you soon.

cheerio
sad x

MB said...

You sound much more positive! It's soooo good to hear! I was so gutted when I went to Germany and missed out on seeing Knut (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knut_(polar_bear)), I can see why you love Polar Bears.

Take care hunni!