That was a long time ago. But I'm still sad. Sad that my life back then was so painful, so filled with desolation and lack of hope.
I've turned a corner, though, I think. Despite the countless hospitalizations, despite all the self harm and suicide attempts, I think I turned a corner when I arrived here in NZ and was given another chance at life. Oh there were a couple of times when I screwed up, I really did and almost lost everything again. But I forgive myself. I forgive myself because the pain will always be there, burning behind my every step. I've earned it, and it is mine. With it, I can compare it to the many good things that I still have today. My health (physical), my running, my home, my memories of coming face to face with a couple of polar bears.