I saw my case manager/psychiatric nurse yesterday. She said I seemed as if I'd lost confidence. When your own brain betrays you like mine did a few weeks ago, how can you not lose a bit of self confidence? How can anyone come out of something like that feeling whole and secure? She acknowledged that, but made a point that this is probably something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. I think that's good advice. I think acceptance is important. The key is also to recognise the symptoms before they progress into something huge.
She suggested respite care for times when I'm struggling with things, but things aren't too bad that I need to be hospitalised. It might prevent hospitalization. Which is a good thing, I suppose.
My current case manager is much more proactive than my previous one. She's full of suggestions and ideas. I think it's good - we've already agreed on a few things. But it can be draining too. Like yesterday's session felt pretty intense as I recounted what led up to my hospitalization and what had happened (she'd been away when I was hospitalised and she'd only just gotten back this week). It's almost like a second therapy session for the week.
Anyway, after working part time last week, I'm back full time this week. It hasn't been as bad as I was anticipating. It's been a long week, but there have been stuff to do. My manager read a report I wrote and said it was "brilliant". "Brilliant"!!! Initially I felt it was a mediocre report. I thought it was a stab in the dark on my part because I'd never had to write a report like that before. But "Brilliant"!!! I can live with that.
I also met with my manager earlier today and she said I was doing good work. That I was productive. She's mentioned this in the past a couple other times, but I always seem to forget and then feel really wretched about my work. Maybe I should write this down somewhere and keep it where I can see it.