Friday, October 12, 2007

Onward ho

I saw my case manager/psychiatric nurse yesterday. She said I seemed as if I'd lost confidence. When your own brain betrays you like mine did a few weeks ago, how can you not lose a bit of self confidence? How can anyone come out of something like that feeling whole and secure? She acknowledged that, but made a point that this is probably something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. I think that's good advice. I think acceptance is important. The key is also to recognise the symptoms before they progress into something huge.

She suggested respite care for times when I'm struggling with things, but things aren't too bad that I need to be hospitalised. It might prevent hospitalization. Which is a good thing, I suppose.

My current case manager is much more proactive than my previous one. She's full of suggestions and ideas. I think it's good - we've already agreed on a few things. But it can be draining too. Like yesterday's session felt pretty intense as I recounted what led up to my hospitalization and what had happened (she'd been away when I was hospitalised and she'd only just gotten back this week). It's almost like a second therapy session for the week.

Anyway, after working part time last week, I'm back full time this week. It hasn't been as bad as I was anticipating. It's been a long week, but there have been stuff to do. My manager read a report I wrote and said it was "brilliant". "Brilliant"!!! Initially I felt it was a mediocre report. I thought it was a stab in the dark on my part because I'd never had to write a report like that before. But "Brilliant"!!! I can live with that.

I also met with my manager earlier today and she said I was doing good work. That I was productive. She's mentioned this in the past a couple other times, but I always seem to forget and then feel really wretched about my work. Maybe I should write this down somewhere and keep it where I can see it.


Suzanne said...

Well done! I don't think that's such a bad idea at all - writing the compliments down I mean. I've started leaving post-it notes around the house (stuck to fridge/bathroom mirror) saying things like "You are worthy of love" ... I wouldn't mind one that says "Brilliant!" too! ;-)

Is it wrong to give myself Brilliant? ;-)

Hope you have a lovely weekend. x

sadgirl said...


I will second that, writing the good stuff down! I have also been told by my pdoc that I will always be vulnerable to depression. Obviously when I have felt bad it has been awful, but depression has taught me some lessons about myself and other people. In depression you know who your true friends are. Just keep going slowly but surely. Managed to do any running as I now you love that?

sad x

KansasSunflower said...

Awesome Polar!

I think it's very normal that you need to get your confidence back after a serious episode like you had. My p-doc told me the SAME THING after the most serious episode of my life - and going back to work full time did it for me....eventually. You know what gives me confidence? That I'm a contributing member of society, even though I live with this horrible disease. I'm already a success, you know? And so are you. Remember, your report was "BRILLIANT"! :-)

Plus - you're a health nut and have the willpower to be that way like very few people I know! :-) If anyone tries hard to keep healthy, you do. You go to the t-doc, p-doc, exercise, eat healthy, you do all you can. I admire you very much for that.

disso_k said...

I so know what you mean about forgetting the good feedback that you receive from management at work. I'm like that too ... always concerned that I am doing a crap job despite people saying otherwise. I've done it ever since I joined the workforce. It's weird how our minds work that way.

Like you said, maybe writing it down and sticking it on the fridge is a good idea ... kind of like an affirmation or something.

Best wishes!

butterflies said...

So you lost a bit of confidence?? so what?? its no big deal and Im sure that she even loses confidence herself at times..

And there you are having one of your peers praise you.:)
Some ppl give and some ppl take away.Your alright fact your wonderful!!
Love ya

Mamabeek said...

BRILLIANT!!! Is that cool or what? I agree, write it down, stick it on the fridge, the mirror, your headboard... wherever you go. I do this too; forget or ignore good things that important people in my life tell me in favor of pounding myself down. Depression sucks, no matter how it's packaged. But you're BRILLIANT!!!! (and what else would a shining white polar bear be?)

I'm so glad to hear you have someone who is especially helpful to you in your case manager. Sometimes those people just seem few and far between, you know?

And you're back to full time work. What goes down, must come up, yes? Even if sometimes it takes longer than others.

sansanity said...

yes i read that bpd's have no positive history memory. maybe a calandar where you only note the good things to remind yourself. or maybe a special label in your journal so you can search those enteries & reread them for support?