Friday, October 19, 2007

Wading in muck

Sometimes I see the light. Sometimes I don't.

Today the darkness overwhelms me, despite the sun shinning just beyond the windows of my desk, as if taunting me. I should be smiling and happy after the rain, wind gusts and darkened skies have over ruled the past week. I should be outside, basking in the light of day, rejoicing in the one perfect day that we will have before the skies close in on us again. But I want to burrow deeper into my duvet and hide from the world.

I should want to go out there and run, but my body feels heavy. Movements are slow as if my joints are pasted with glue. It is a perfect day to run, but my heart is beating with anxiety and it is hard to walk without becoming leadened with dread.

What is wrong with me?

5 comments:

KansasSunflower said...

Polar - you have a chemical imbalance - nothing is WRONG with you, persay...don't think of it as a character flaw. It's not. You can't help how you feel.

Just take extra special care of yourself, do some luxurious things, whatever those may be to you (for me, I'd get a massage!), and treat yourself very delicately.

You are telling your therapist and p-doc how you're feeling, right?

I hope you start feeling better, much better, soon....

Marie said...

Have you thought about talking to your pdoc about a medication adjustment.

I have been there too! Just hold on and things will get better soon.

pjbrubak said...

Sounds like you're depressed. Aside from the obvious reaction (med adjustment?) I would encourage you to try something new, something that may be a small risk; but not dangerous. Whether that would be eating at a new restaurant or taking a day trip somewhere, whatever risk you could take that might stimulate those healthy brain cells.

MB said...

I always want to stay burrowed under my duvet. But thats more because I prefer my dreams to living my actual life alot of the time.

Are you keeping a journal of how you feel? (other than this blog)? I always find writing things down a HUGE help.

And Kansassunflower is right - treat yourself! (Even if its just a giant choccy bar ;D )

anna said...

I'm sorry you are feeling like that. I know how badly it can be. Hang in there, though. It will pass.