Monday, November 19, 2007

The lone wolf howls

I've been struggling. The ghosts haunt my steps, they troop after me like a marching band, loud and obnoxious, tearing through the vastness of my mind.

As I grow older and as I cast my eyes across the segment of the human race and reflect on where life has taken me, I wonder what I am missing inside. I mourn the lack of passion, the lack of familiarity with another human being. I am a stranger tossed by the sea of loneliness, forever thirsting for the warm embrace of sandy beaches and the sun upon my back. I wonder, because I am curious. How do I long for something I have never had? The very question torments me. How did Love pass me over?

I've been a student of people observation. I hear of experiences, I seek knowledge on people in relationships. There is a theory that says it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Is that true? My own thesis is heavily reliant on the fact that it is not. How can anyone prove or disprove this? Like being able to roll your tongue, you are one or the other. And yet those who have loved and lost would have the advantage of being closer to the truth because they can then imagine what it is like.

I have a runner's body, toned and slight. I have short dark boyish hair, brown eyes - deep and sad. My reluctant smile appears from time to time, across the mask that is my face. My shoulders droop, as if I carry the weight of the world upon it, and I swim within a fathomless well of silence. I am a listener, not a talker, and people tell me their stories. What is it about me that repels? What is it about me that is so unloveable? Why do people use me and discard of me like a piece of worthless garbage? Is a certain birthright of unworthiness engraved into my DNA, so entrenched that it belongs to me as much as my limbs belong to me?

When I was younger, there wasn't any doubt in my mind that I knew I was a lone wolf. I knew there was something dangerous and toxic about me. Needing someone was a weakness. Having a family was loathsome to me. After all, my only experience with "family" was horrendously negative. I would never bring a child into this world for fear that I would do the same terrible unspeakable things to this child, my own child. I still have that fear. I still think it would be too much of a risk for me to ever raise a child. But that doesn't mean I don't miss the connection between a mother and her child.

If circumstances were different, if I were born somewhere else, a child of someone else, perhaps it would all feel right. That is what I miss. That is the core of my agony.

And yet I can't help feeling as though I have missed the plane. Here I am standing pressed against the window, with my bags all packed, watching the skies as the object in the sky becomes smaller and smaller, finally disappearing among the clouds and tears stream down my face. It's too late. It's simply too late.

8 comments:

Suzanne said...

Again, sorry honey but I REFUSE to look at the bad stuff here -instead I'm honing in on a shining positive!

People talk to you, they tell you their secrets - because they KNOW you can be trusted, they see the goodness in you, they KNOW you'll understand, they'll KNOW you won't think them crazy.

Take a chance... choose one of those and maybe open up a little bit back? If they throw it back in your face don't forget, they've already given you TONS of blackmail material! ;-)

lostgirl said...

Its not too late. There are people in your life who love you but cannot says the words. I doubted I was loved until I was in psychiatric hospital then my family just blurted those words out. I know they will never tell me again. You come across so well in your writing. You seem to lack confidence and self esteem: issues for therapy. You are genuine and caring. When you meet the right person/people they will love you back for who you are. You don't need to change.

Sid said...

It's never too late for love, and while I understand where those feelings come from, I certainly don't find you unloveable.

Being receptive to the idea that someone could love you, faults & all, is a difficult task but not an impossible one. Once you cross that hurdle, the possibility for love is there.

Zathyn Priest said...

I can empathise with your feelings of loneliness and isolation. I also thought the saying 'Better to have lost and lost' was the most ridiculous quote ever stated. Now I know what it really means.

I wish I could offer you some brilliant advice to make you feel better, but I can't. The best I can do is offer a cyber hug and pray things get better for you.

I'm going to add your site to my blogroll - please let me know if you'd rather I removed it.

Best Wishes,
Zathyn

Aqua said...

Like you say...you are such a good listener, Everyone needs someone who listens to there stories. There are not many good listeners left in this world.

My experience of you has been so positive. Every post you write to me is so compassionate and supportive. To me those qualities are the mark of a great person.

You say you worry you will treat your kids the way you were treated. You are kind, caring, thoughtful and a great listener ...those are all great parenting skills. You strike me as to aware of what hurts a child to allow the mistakes your parents made to be repeated by yourself.

Take care,
...aqua

butterflies said...

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Written by William Henley as he lay in his hospital bed.

We all love you Polarbear.You are the Captian of your Soul.
Tonight is thanksgiving in America and Im thankful to have you as my friend..never give up hope my sweet!

BipolarPrincess said...

You haven't found it - yet. The story isn't over. Read the wonderful things your friends have said about you. If you found the perfect love, wouldn't the wait be worth it?

:*
Princess

James said...

What a powerful piece of writing. I too struggle with the child issue. I know that I could never be the kind of father/parent that a child needs but deep down inside I cry and hurt not being able to enjoy the fun of parenthood.

All I see is pain and suffering in this world. Why would I want to bring a child into that mess? Not to mention I worry that I would be abusive to them from not knowing how to deal with family connections as you mention.

It saddens me so much at all the things we must sacrifice in this world in order to have a fighting chance to survive and hold on to some semblance of normal.