Monday, November 12, 2007

Treasure seeking

Opening my eyes to the dusty early morning light. I roll over and contemplate the day ahead. I'm so tired of fighting, the never ending battles within my mind, the relentless onslaught of a raging war.

All my life I've been searching, going on long arduous journeys which end inevitably in heartache and loss, more grief. Searching for a peace, the ever elusive treasure. Perhaps it's not mine to seek. Should I just give up?

The young man walks through the marketplace and sits and listens to the stories being told by the wise men. They talk of young children born with a curse, a curse which renders them motherless and fatherless, and all through their lives, they live with the stain of that curse, a black mark on their soul. They are shunned by society, they are spat upon by others - they neither deserve life, nor do they deserve death. They live in that twilight sphere of unending pain.

I am a child of the curse.


Suzanne said...

I hear that. :(

KansasSunflower said...

Polar!!! You're not what you said you are!!! That is SO SAD, but I feel motherless and fatherless, and sure, I could see myself as being a curse, but don't think that way! I've read your writing, and you're a beautiful, caring person. Maybe you can't see it, but I can. You're very special, and the world would be a much better place with more "Polar Bears" in it.

lostgirl said...

Depression feels like a curse, sure. We will find a way out of our prison because we have to. the professionals would not waste all that time and money if there wasn't any point.

sansanity said...

oh no i fully understand what you are saying. funny its the issue at the very core of my depression right now.

the curse of being parentless is the struggle it presents in the rest of your life. not only do you have to figure out a way to parent yourself, but then to undo the damage of all the mistakes you made because you weren't properly parented. it becomes a spiral that digs you in deeper and deeper. it stretches into every aspect of your life that it does feel overwhelming and rather like something whose touch you can't escape.

but i think as lostgirl pointed out, there is hope. there is progress in finally realizing that you received sub-par parenting and stop simply blaming yourself. There is strength in surviving. There is bravery in attempting to repair the damage and rebuild.