It's New Year's eve. And as it has been for most years, it will be a quiet one for me. No doubt I'll be in bed before 2008 rolls around.
Christmas is finally behind me now. It's been quiet. Silence filled with more silence. I've been off work for over a week and each day rolls by slowly and quietly, one day merging with the next, punctuated by sleep.
The first couple of days were difficult. I would wake up and be filled with dread. The feeling was one of being left behind, a sinking sensation and a feeling of panic. I felt as if I were melting away, disappearing off the face of this world, fading away into non existence. It was an inexplicable feeling. I'm glad it is all behind me now. Maybe the worst of the battle is over.
I am more settled into this non existence now. I don't speak to anyone, nor do I feel the need to. I could continue to go days without seeing anyone, wandering about my apartment or in town, a non connected lost soul. I could disappear into nothingness and my heart would be too numb to care.
The year 2007 is nearly over. It's been a fairly non eventful year, marked by a couple of first anniversaries - the first anniversary of my buying my own home (June, or was it July?), the first year of my current job (June).
The highlights have got to be the two overseas business trips to Brisbane (Gold Coast) and Canberra. The Gold Coast trip was unforgettable, as I got in a couple of days of R and R and went to Seaworld to see the polar bears again, AND I almost got licked by either Hudson or Nelson when I took the polar bear shores behind the scenes tour. I was face to face with the bears, with only a mesh fence between us. It was amazing.
So yes, 2007 is nearly over. There were a few hospital admissions this year, but I rather not dwell on them. It's with a heavy heart that I acknowledge the fact that it happens from time to time and my life will probably always be punctuated by my illness and there will be times when hospitalization is inevitable.
I want to look forward now, rather than backward. I hope 2008 will be kind to me.