And just like that, you are gone. I miss you already. Where do you disappear to? The White Castle - where is it?
Yesterday was a bad day. All day I stared out the window, unable to move. Frozen. Watching the clouds rolling in and out. And the minutes ticked by so agonisingly slowly. Inside of me was a tangled mass of emotions. Mostly alternating fear, dread and sadness.
Why do I do this to myself? The mental torture of harsh words and ridicule. I crumble from the sting of my own words. The pictures flash in my head - there are so many many ways I could die. Stark images of death against the cold gray fog of my mind. So many ways I could stop this pain, this intolerable loneliness. This overwhelming sadness.
And now your voice echoes amidst the cruel taunts in my head. A cacophony of screaming voices. I can't hear myself anymore. I feel as though I am losing my identity within this aural battle for attention. Sucked dry of who I am. Lost, floating somewhere between dark and darker.
I don't imagine you have ever wished for peace, the kind of peace you only hope death would deliver you from. I don't imagine you have felt a deepening sorrow such that your heart physically aches. I don't belong in your world as much as you don't belong in mine.
What about our weekly sessions in which we try to bridge that gap? How many years has it been? Over three years and entering our fourth. From the tentative building of that bridge - one hesitant plank at a time. I never thought that bridge would hold us. But you've shown me more than I wanted to see. You taught me more than I ever wanted to know. And now you're gone and all I see is the ever widening hole through which I am certain I will fall.
I don't know how to be brave without you. I don't know how to keep this bridge from collapsing without you.
Please, don't forget me.