Thursday, December 20, 2007

Gone to the White Castle

And just like that, you are gone. I miss you already. Where do you disappear to? The White Castle - where is it?

Yesterday was a bad day. All day I stared out the window, unable to move. Frozen. Watching the clouds rolling in and out. And the minutes ticked by so agonisingly slowly. Inside of me was a tangled mass of emotions. Mostly alternating fear, dread and sadness.

Why do I do this to myself? The mental torture of harsh words and ridicule. I crumble from the sting of my own words. The pictures flash in my head - there are so many many ways I could die. Stark images of death against the cold gray fog of my mind. So many ways I could stop this pain, this intolerable loneliness. This overwhelming sadness.

And now your voice echoes amidst the cruel taunts in my head. A cacophony of screaming voices. I can't hear myself anymore. I feel as though I am losing my identity within this aural battle for attention. Sucked dry of who I am. Lost, floating somewhere between dark and darker.

I don't imagine you have ever wished for peace, the kind of peace you only hope death would deliver you from. I don't imagine you have felt a deepening sorrow such that your heart physically aches. I don't belong in your world as much as you don't belong in mine.

What about our weekly sessions in which we try to bridge that gap? How many years has it been? Over three years and entering our fourth. From the tentative building of that bridge - one hesitant plank at a time. I never thought that bridge would hold us. But you've shown me more than I wanted to see. You taught me more than I ever wanted to know. And now you're gone and all I see is the ever widening hole through which I am certain I will fall.

I don't know how to be brave without you. I don't know how to keep this bridge from collapsing without you.

Please, don't forget me.


Sid said...

The planks of that bridge you've built with her are still there. They will support you if you let them. Think of what she has taught you and focus on things that can keep those planks beneath you at all times.

+PHc said...

I don't know what to say. I sit here and watch the San Francisco fog dysphoria. It's a moody city. I wish that somehow I could just keep you company with it in the mean time. I'm glad you write to us, and so well, and truthfully. I wish you soothing for Christmas whatever that mans to you.


MB said...

It sounds like she taught you well; and its times like this you need to look back on her teaches for comfort and support. Sid's right, the planks will support you if you allow them too. You had trust in her, you had trust in the bridge you you need to trust yourself. I am such a moody soul at Christmas, and always find myself depressed, and without support. I say this because your post in parts, makes sense to me. Will be thinking of you chick!

take care of yourself

Zathyn Priest said...

'I don't know how to be brave without you. I don't know how to keep this bridge from collapsing without you.'

Tears sprang into my eyes when I read that comment because I know about the pain it comes from. I also know there aren't words anyone can say to ease those feelings. If there were, the world wouldn't be filled with grieving people.

Christmas can be a lonely time, it was exceptionally difficult for me and quite probably exceptionally difficult for you.

Although there aren't words that can truly lift the sadness, I hope you can maybe find some comfort in knowing others are reading what you have to say and are touched by it. We may not be there in person with you but we are thinking of you. Please, when you read the comments left, know you're not as alone as it feels like you are.