Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The one before the last one

You're going away again. We'll meet one more time and then you will disappear into that white fog, that cloudy heaven I will never get to experience myself.

I'll think of you most days as I rattle around my empty apartment. I'll put my distress tolerance skills into practice so that I don't make things worse. But all the distress tolerence skills in the world will not replace that great big void inside my heart.

I'll deal with my life one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'll watch movies that distract me. Meaningless stories played out on the idiot box. I'm the only idiot in the play.

You're helping me plan my "holiday break", you make such great suggestions. But perhaps you don't quite realise how meaningless and disheartening such activities are when you are alone. I don't blame you. You couldn't know how much these things only serve to remind me how alone I am and how much that hurts. You wouldn't understand because my world and your world are different at the very core. I don't blame you. Infact, I often try to sneak a peek at your world because it is so different. It is like peeking into heaven.

But I would never want you to look into mine. I would want to protect your eyes from looking into hell.

I know, you're going away soon. You don't have to think of me anymore. I'll disappear into my own black hole.

I hope to see you again when I come out the other side.


Suzanne said...

I understand that. When you're alone and as lonely and vulnerable as we are the loneliness is palpable. :(

The DVDs I watch are just moving wallpaper - what I really want is someone sat on the sofa next to me. :-/

But we'll get there PB, we'll beat this illness, develop relationships and we'll get there!

Hey look on the bright side - we're borderline women, we're better off in our houses on our own than getting drunk in bars and fucking strangers - there's never an in-between for borderlines. :-/

Are you taking time off for the holidays? I'm wondering if maybe you could "borrow" a dog from the pound for a week or something for company for when you'll be at home?? Or maybe put a notice up on the noticeboard at work suggesting that you'll dog-sit for someone who's going on holiday? Only a suggestion - I'm not V. ;-)

Sid said...

I like Suzanne's idea of "borrowing" a dog or offering to dog-sit. Loneliness is one of our biggest enemies and if you can find ways to fight that off, you'll get through the holiday.

Take care of you! Don't forget we'll be here throughout the holidays. So keep posting. Post multiple times a day if you need to.

Mamabeek said...

Hey, just waving and wanting you to know that someone's thinking of you! I can feel the emptiness in your words and I ache for you. Definitely a fuzzy of some sort would help, as other's here have suggested.

+PHc said...

I truly do not believe I would be alive if there weren't times when I knew my sick cat needed care. (She has kidney failure and needs fluids infused daily as she can't regulate them herself.

I don't know where you are but where I live foster pet care owners for hard-to-adopt animals are trained and needed. (San Francisco SPCA for info). It's hard because you might have to give them up once they're adaptable. I adopted mine. She's needy, moody, crazy, and bulimic. - And loved as much as it is possible to love a creature - as she, and you deserve, polar bear.

lostgirl said...

I am sorry things are tough PB. Hang on in there just take small steps day by day. Thinking of you.


Zathyn Priest said...

It's difficult for people to grasp the depths of loneliness some of us have to deal with. My heart aches for you, Polar Bear, I know the despair your feeling. Different circumstances, but pain is pain no matter how it's dealt.

Just know that there are people thinking of you, I'm one of them. I hope this depression lifts for you soon.

I agree with pet therapy, I'd be lost without my pets and they really do give me comfort and company.

Sending you my thoughts and cyber hugs - hang in there.

MB said...

Hey sweets, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I like Suzanne's idea about dog-sitting for someone who's away. Pets give people so much comfort and joy. I have 5 pets, 2 of which are dogs, and merely taking them for a walk or playing fetch with them are excellent when I've had such a stressful day. If you lived near me you could borrow one of my doggies!

Try to keep your chin up hunni!