You're going away again. We'll meet one more time and then you will disappear into that white fog, that cloudy heaven I will never get to experience myself.
I'll think of you most days as I rattle around my empty apartment. I'll put my distress tolerance skills into practice so that I don't make things worse. But all the distress tolerence skills in the world will not replace that great big void inside my heart.
I'll deal with my life one day at a time, one moment at a time. I'll watch movies that distract me. Meaningless stories played out on the idiot box. I'm the only idiot in the play.
You're helping me plan my "holiday break", you make such great suggestions. But perhaps you don't quite realise how meaningless and disheartening such activities are when you are alone. I don't blame you. You couldn't know how much these things only serve to remind me how alone I am and how much that hurts. You wouldn't understand because my world and your world are different at the very core. I don't blame you. Infact, I often try to sneak a peek at your world because it is so different. It is like peeking into heaven.
But I would never want you to look into mine. I would want to protect your eyes from looking into hell.
I know, you're going away soon. You don't have to think of me anymore. I'll disappear into my own black hole.
I hope to see you again when I come out the other side.