Monday, December 17, 2007

People I love leave me

The year is quickly running out. It feels as though time filters through much faster in the final months of the year. It feels as if I am running out of time, and there is a strange anticipation, as if I am waiting for something big to happen. I don't know why, because nothing has been happening, and there is nothing happening. My days are routine, in fact some days are relentlessly long. I continue to battle the demons that taunt me day after day. I feel as though I am holding my breath, knowing that in less than a week, V will be gone for a whole month. A whole month. That's four weeks. Maybe even five. That's a very long time for a child's heart. That's like eons in a child's mind.

This is my final work week for 2007. There will be a shut down period of about a week and a half, over the Christmas and New Year days. I have no plans for this period except maybe some movie marathons and reading. The thought of not seeing or speaking or being responsible of being anyplace overwhelms me. It is peculiarly appealing and daunting at the same time. Like an obsessive, I want to guard and protect the space that will be entirely mine and the time to do anything I want. And maybe, just maybe, a small twisted part of me aspires to see just how long I can live in the silence and vacuum of my own self imposed prison before I crack.

And so it is with a warped sense of longing and dread that I am looking towards my "holiday" break. I know it's not an easy time for many people. But it doesn't help to know that I am one of many who could disappear off this planet without a trace, without raising any concern. Why do people always say "You're not the only one" when they are trying to make you feel better about something negative?"

Last night, I watched "Surviving Christmas" (2004, Ben Affleck). It was a light hearted story about a highly successful ad executive Drew(Ben Affleck) who finds himself alone during Christmas, and returns to his childhood home where he decides to "rent" the family living there as his own family for the festivities. As the movie progresses, we eventually find out that Drew's father abandoned his family when he was four, and his mother died while he was in college. He had no siblings. Towards the end of the movie, in an effort to "heal", he writes on a piece of paper under the heading "My grievances" - "People I love leave me". He throws the paper into the fireplace and says "I forgive you". That just triggered a flood of tears for me, and it came on so unexpectedly, it just seemed to touch an emotional nerve within me.

People I love leave me too.


+PHc said...

I didn't see the movie, and I feel like I am just one of a kind of rented family out here, but I feel real love for all the little that I do know and feel about you. I doubt that makes up for anything at all, but I wish very much that it could.

Suzanne said...

I find it very difficult when G goes on holiday. When he can he gets Monique to replace him. He often leaves me a cuddly toy and of coruse the promises that he WILL be back in x weeks. It helps I think, he also gives me lots of warning of when he'll be going away - he doesn't spring it on me last minute.

So far he's always come back.

Anonymous said...

Polar, I know what you mean, I feel it too. Not just feel it either, but it actually happens. It seems that just when I begin to trust someone....

Anyhow, that's not really helpful, just wanted to let you know that I hear you.

Take care as best you can


Aqua said...

Hi PolarBear,
I just watched that movie last week...remember what happens in the end...he finds someone who loves him romantically and the whole family ends up loving he has that opportunity for a new start; an opportunity to change that pattern in his life. I believe that will happen for you too.

James said...

I'm stuck in a similar vortex. I isolate myself and then wonder why I'm alone.

Little-Duck said...

Oh my. That movie sounds like something I actually want to see. I thought it was a comedy or something but it seems like it deals with loss and grieving.

A long time ago I did something like what you explain he did in the movie. It took me the entire winter to write down memories I needed to get rid of. I wrote them down and put them in a box then in the summer time I made a fire in the can outside (trash burning can) and burned each piece one by one. It's a powerful healing tool.

As for leaving, I leave first because the grief of being left is too much to bear. I also choose people I know are too needy to ever leave me ie my ex girl friend..... It's just another example of how the past affects my today.