Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Gathering storm

I'm jittery, restless. I don't feel well. Images of death and decay plagued my sleep last night. There was a dream where my mother was visiting me, and we got into an argument and I told her to leave. There was a dream where I sliced my wrist open and an endless stream of blood poured out of me.

This morning I awoke to another gray dismal day. It's been raining for one and a half days and everything is drenched. My heart is heavy, as if it too, were wet and weighing me down. The storm clouds seem to be gathering within. I feel unsettled and agitated. The images in my mind are confused, thoughts intermingling with dreams and fantasies.

My body is tensed, ready for a fight. I want to lash out at someone, something. I don't know what. I want to destroy something, but it is a passive rage. It's gnawing away inside me. I'm poisoning myself with hate and bitterness.

This is the third week without V. I miss her. I really do. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not wonder where she is, what she is doing. There are so many things around me that trigger thoughts of her. There have been dreams about her as well, my fantasy of where she is and what she has been up to. This is so unhealthy for me and yet what else is there for me to cling to? All these feelings leading to more guilt, more rage with myself. I feel helpless, as if drowning. Suffocating. I don't want to need her. And yet I do. What a conundrum.

I'm going running in the rain today. I need to.


+PHc said...

I hope the running in the rain washes away the jitterry-ness, the restlessness, the death and decay and bleeding, and relieves the physical tension. I hope your heavy heart rains its way to lightness, and the storm clouds dissipate to clarity of mind, and that the poison is medicine that just tastes bad temporarily.

Why is it unhealthy or wrong to want and need and miss V? When does she return?

therapydoc said...

What a great idea. I love doing that, except I walk. Slow.